The Bachelor-Week 6 buzzed recap

Who is ready to hate on a bunch of spoiled bitches who are fighting over a stupid loser? I sure am.

Happy Monday everyone. Did anyone elses day suck ball sacks or just mine? I cannot catch a break these days. I need a vacation.
Anyways, Lets get to the episode….
New Zealand
Juan Pablo just said when he was sitting in the sea plane like a loner that he is ready to take it to the next level….What next level? Hey JP….Remember when you took it to the next level last week in the ocean and then made Clare cry about it? Smooth move “playa”.
The girls walking into a new suite every week-“OH my goooood its so pretty. Look they have curtains….Look at this bed..OMG a fireplace.”
 Im not sure where most of you live out there but I fukin have curtains and a bed…..and I’m a guy. Big whoop right? I bet all those places they go look like your houses. Im doing my Mckala Maroney Not Impressed Look In the spirit of the Olympics of course.
Clare is just dying to get boned. There is mad sexual tension between us right now. I am sure her little gold brick necklace is something nice and fancy but It always reminds me something a rapper would wear. 2 chainz?
“Hey do you want to go on the bachelor and sit around a fire and cry about our kids together?” “lets do it girl”……Get in a bikini and shut up already.
Andi’s Juan on Juan date-
Her insecurities are so attractive…….Guys hella like that for the record.
Oh look, Andi’s mom showed up to the date….Wait. This just in. Andi is wearing a one piece. She has a killer bod though doesn’t she?….How am I supposed to talk shit about her boring personality and her sense of style at the same time? Watch me. I bet that geyser they are having dinner next to probably stinks. I dont know why I think that.
Andi-“The geyser goes off and we were soaking wet and so unexpected”………Unexpected? Am I the only one who knew it was going to go off? Its a geyser dummies. That’s what it does. Hey next time let have dinner next to a hungry pack of lions. I hope they don’t take our food and kill us. It would be so unexpected.
Andi-“The geyser completely ruined our dinner”…..Ya that’s why we don’t eat by geysers idiots.
Clare Bear. She likes when I call her that actually. Why is she surprised she got the next Juan on Juan? He fucked once why wouldn’t he go in for 2nd’s? I sure would.
I wish he would learn to say the word accept. I thought this was an American show? If they replace Chris Harrison with a British host I’m outta here for good. I dont even know if he said his group date was in for “prizes” or “surprises”
Bikinis in the clear ball thing….Wait. I’ve had this dream before. Or maybe it was clear bikinis and something that had to do with balls……I forget. Sharleens Bikini is hideous.
Ok so the dates being in the hobbit house from The Lord of The Rings…..That’s pretty rad. Does Harry Potter really live there?
JP was totally making out with Sharleen and tickeled her jawbone…I haven’t seen that movie since the summer of 87. Pretty cool how she asks right after “what do you think Im thinking?”…….Ladies. Don’t do that shit. We never fuckin know and 47% of the time we don’t care as long as you leave us alone.
Cassandra is pretty hot. I like her. OHHHH NOOOO. This fool is letting her go? I feel so bad for her actually but on the other hand she has the sickest story ever to tell.
“so what did you do on your 22nd birthday?”….Oh well I got dumped on the TV show The Bachelor at the mutha fucking Hobbit house. Top that bitches!
Juan Pablo just walked in the hobbit house and didn’t even wipe his feet. That’s disrespectful to the shire. Watch yourself JP that’s all I gotta say.
Clares Juan on Juan date- I love her. She is so pretty. I hope he dumps her so I can go to Sacramento to stalk her full time. Maybe JP should take her on a date to a nice spot on a pile of rocks that’s really uncomfortable. That would make up for it. Clare wants to get Fucked so bad. I would totally watch. Not like watch watch but like I would hold the camera. Sweats? what the shit is that move? Dude couldnt find a spare pair of yoga pants up in this bitch? Or maybe its easier for his to get an over the pants handy in sweats…..then actually it was a great move my friend.
Cocktail/Rose Ceremony-
Everyone get their last minute insecurities in so we can all judge before we talk shit about your Rose Ceremony Dresses.
Oh hey Kat. Forgot you were here. Where has she been hiding? Well since you are limited time with JP lets talk about your daddy issues.
Kat you dumb bitch. The kiss of death. You sat and said I think Chelsea is going home…I knew the second you said that it was you….FUCK. She was my girl in the pool #michellespoolparty She is still hot anyways…..I didnt even need that $10 anyways so whatever……FUCK! Well keep your head up Kat. At least you have huge boobs whatever thats worth.
Why is he throwing sheep shit at the ladies? Does that actually work?
Alright kiddos I have to get ready for bed. Another shitty day ahead of me. I hope everyone has an amazing week.
Go USA
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3 comments

  1. Omigodomigodomigod! Best. Recap. Ever. I think I love angry You. Almost as much as I love drunk you. I had to laugh into my pillow so that I didn’t wake up my kids. For the record, I don’t think throwing poop works. Unless you’re a gorilla. Or a chimpanzee. And was sharlene’s swimsuit a bikini or a one piece? I swore it was a one piece. But I didn’t look too closely.

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