Month: February 2014

Your Mom is Buzzed!

I don’t care how old I get, Saying “Your Mom” after anything is going to be hilarious to me. Period. You will not ever change my mind on that no matter how stupid it sounds. I think that’s why it is so funny to me. It doesn’t make any sense.

“Damn, Its hella sunny out”

“your moms hella sunny out”



So last night my buddy called me up to go have dinner at my favorite restaurant and we sat and had a few pitchers of margaritas and great food. The waiter came up to the table after we were done and asked “who can I leave the bill with?”……My buzzed ass says ” with your mom”…hahahahahha….EVERYONE I was with thought it was hilarious but no one thought it was funnier than me. Did the waiter think it was funny? I’m pretty sure he didnt because he sat the bill down right in front of yours truly…..What a sense of humor this guy had. And who the hell asks who wants the bill anyways? Just set it down like every other waiter and let us fight over who wants to pretend to pay for it the most. Apparently I am no Meryl Streep because I ended up paying…..Jokes on me.

And because we were drinking cheap Tequila Margs all night I woke up at 5 with a crazy headache……Karma is a bitch.

Your moms a …………..Well you get the point.


Buzzed Olympics

Ya right! Like I was the only one last night watching men’s figure skating. I am a huge fan of the Olympics and I will watch everything  for the next two weeks. I wish the best for USA…….Well except maybe the curling team. What the hell is curling and who else besides the Olympians have ever played that? I played shuffle board on a cruise once but that’s pretty much a fancy way of playing beer pong in public. Curling looks lame. Ya, I SAID IT!

“Oh Hello there. That is a sweet medal you have around your neck. You must have worked your whole entire life to get to the Olympics. What sport did you get that in?”


(awkward Pause) Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket

My mom used to sweep the floor but I didn’t think she deserved a medal or anything.

I am super excited for the opening ceremonies tonight and that’s all I am doing on my Friday night. I’m sure I will have a beer or 7 but just to take the edge off.

Why did the world agree to have the Olympics in Sochi Russia? Putin is such a dick and the rest of the world hates him…..Or is that just me?

I hope your moms get to watch the Olympics too.