Month: March 2014

Answers to questions that I forgot who asked in the first place

So I am not the best blogger and I get that. last week someone sent me some award thing that I didnt know what to do with. There were questions that I was supposed to answer but I wasnt sure what to do with them. I am new to this so deal with it…………Well, here are the answers. I think they are from my friend cellulitelooksbettertan, Miss Celly if you nasty.

 

1.  Who is number one on your exemption list?  Well since I am single and can do whatever the fuck I want to, I don’t have a list right now….When I do get into a relationship, this is the list I am going to present to my girlfriend….I might wait until the second date though…

Candice Swanepoel and Nancy O’dell from TV. I have too many but these are going to be at the top of my list. Im super into fitness chicks.

2.  What is your favorite smell and why? That’s easy. Cocaine……………… Just kidding. I dont do any drugs…Just alcohol.

Purple. No, not grape. Purple. I’m aware purple is not a smell but for some reason you cant smell grape without thinking purple. So when I smell grape the only thing I think of is the color. I have just always thought that as a little kid. Remember that commercial where the kids opens up the fridge and they are looking for something to drink? “water, purple stuff, sunny D”…..Secretly I am a little black kid who wants the purple drink.

3.  What book can you read over and over again.  If you’re not into books, what movie never gets old? I can watch basically any Will Ferrell movie over and over. LOVE stepbrothers, anchorman, Talladega Nights, and a lot of people sleep on this movie but The other guys is hilarious. If you haven’t seen it go watch it now and read the rest of my answers later. You’re welcome.

4.  What is the story behind your blog name? Being from Northern California,  saying the word hella is just normal to me. Granted I am a grown ass man but its still part of my California heritage. The buzzed part of it is because your boy likes to party and have a good time! hahaha. Anytime you ask me if I am drunk I will always answer “Nope, Just buzzed”. Catch me at the right moment and I am sure I will say ” I’m Hella Buzzed” at least once through out the night.

5.  What is your favorite song and why? Music is such a huge part of my life and always has been. At this exact moment I would say Kings of Leon-Wait for me. Such a beautiful song and just sounds perfect to me. I just saw them live last week. Amazing show and love their music. I have too many music loves at the moment and it changes daily.

6.  What is your least favorites song, the one that makes your put your fingers in your ears and say “lalalalala”? I actually would be ok if I never heard the Gangnam style song ever again. My aunt set up a flash mob for my grandmas 80th birthday party at a restaurant and that was the song. My aunt lied to me and told me it was another song because she knew how much I hated that song. Dont believe me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmOXLQBDyB4 I dont know where the original video is but this is how it went down. Fuck I hate that song.

7.  What’s the best book you’ve read lately?  Dear Stephanie……BY an amazing writer.

8.  What did the last text you sent say?  Word for word. (K does not count.  If “K” was your last text, then I want to know what your second to last text said.)  “What if that was Nike’s slogan? Then just do it” )

9.  What gives you the heebie jeebies?  Pennies. Pennies are fucking disgusting and gross and no body likes them. Poor Abe Lincoln got screwed. He is on the worst coin of them all. Its actual real money but If I see that shit on the street do you think I am bending over to pick up a penny? Hell no. Cost me 14 cents just to bend over and I don’t have time for that. They smell gross and feel slimy and clammy. If someone poured a bucket of pennies on my bed I would move.

10.  Do close talkers bother you as much as they do me?  If so, why? If someone is talking to me so close that it makes me cross eyed and uncomfortable….than Fuck that! Back the shit up sir. There is no need for someone to be that close to me telling me a story about traffic or whatever they were talking about.

11.  What are you wearing?  I’m not even kidding. I am wearing some black Cole Haan shoes and grey slacks with a mostly white button up shirt with pastel blue and light pink stripes(from far away it looks white). And just put on a North face jacket because it is colder than balls in my office. Oh and a nike Fuel band around my wrist and boxers and socks…..and a Nautica undershirt.

 

Your mom

And the worst blogger award goes to………………..

Me!

Fuck, I suck so bad these days. To the 3 people who follow me I apologize for being such a dud lately. Your boy has been busy but I promise to get a solid story in soon. I feel like I have a lot to talk about. Mostly a lot of short stories and nothing time consuming to read. 

And if you were one of the people to nominate me for the Leiber award(did I spell that right?), sorry for not replying. Its mostly because I didn’t know anyone to nominate back. Plus everyone I follow had already been nominated so I didn’t want to nominate the same peeps over and over. Speaking of peeps, Happy Easter…..whenever it is.

Don’t give up on me just yet. Your mom hasn’t.

Happy birthday everyone. That’s preemptive since I will forget when it actually comes around.

Give a Hoot

I just stumbled upon this looking for an old email. Its a letter I wrote to Hooters after eating there years ago. Enjoy.

This is the email I sent to Hooters plus the responses.

EARTH TO HOOTERS…..ITS 2011. 

Why are the ladies who work at Hooters wearing Jane Fonda’s workout gear from the 70’s? Its 2011. Why has the corporation never updated their outfits? I mean I go to Hooters because of the awesome happy hour and watch sports. Yes, its a bonus there are all ladies working there. Yes, the beer and food taste the same no matter what they wear BUT why not an update? Who wears scrunchy socks anymore(excluding the 80’s parties)? Who wears Richard Simmons shorts? The answer is no one. Why not put them in shorts that like volleyball players wear or something. There are hundreds of cuter outfits out there that can match this century. Why not try something new. The outfits they wear are not very flattering and mostly because no one wears that stuff or havent in the last 20 years. The tanks are timeless I will give you that. Do away with those awful shorts and awful socks. I understand Hooters is legendary for its attire and pretty much a trademark but whats wrong with a small change? 

Just something I think about every time I go to Hooters. I also understand its a family restaurant and there are regulations but lets face it….the majority of the customers are men. Might as well make them all do their hair like Farrah Fawcett and completely pull off the 70’s look. 

Thanks for listening.

First response

Dear Mr. Dave:

We at the Hooters Hotline received your comments regarding the Hooters Girls’ uniforms. We genuinely apologize for the poor choice. We appreciate your taking the time to write us.  Feedback such as yours helps us identify ways to improve in our continuous quest to deliver the ultimate Hooters guest experience.

Because we want to share your remarks with our restaurant, we have forwarded your message to the area supervisor. Our desire is to make Hooters your choice once again for terrific food, beverages, and fun.

Thank you, Mr. Dave, for sharing your comments.  We apologize again and look forward to making your next Hooters visit a pleasant and memorable one.

Should you like more information about us, please visit us on the Web at www.hooters.com.

Sincerely,

Kay
Hooters Hotline…We give a Hoot!

P.S. Please retain the ticket number located below. This will help us locate your information should you need us again.

2nd email response

Hi Dave,
We like your your Farrah Fawcett idea and are looking into it..
Thank you for your continued patronage!

Kermit the Blog

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Sometimes I feel like these two dicks. I just sit back, talk some shit, than move on with my life…..

And I’m ok with that.

People who know me know that if I make fun of you, it’s because I care about you. Please don’t take it personal. Be worried if I am NOT making fun of you. It means you have not had an impact on my life whatsoever.

Happy Sunday

Its a small world after all

After my last week’s rant about how big the world is………..This happens.

Monday morning my phone rings…….It’s my cousin.

“You are never going to believe this,” he says.

Laughing, “What’s up?”

“Ok, so my manager was just in Minnesota for a conference and was flying home. He decided to fly to San Jose to go to some seminar there for a quick over nighter. He told me when he landed he wasn’t even sure where he was going to stay, but he found a Marriot in the heart of downtown San Jose. He was by himself and wanted to grab a drink so he went across the street to a restaurant called “Original Joes”.

It’s an Italian restaurant that’s been around forever. Anyway……….

He continued with his story, “You have to know that my manager will meet anyone and everyone. He can go anywhere alone and leave with 20 friends. He is that type of guy. He goes into the bar and there isn’t much happening. The crowd was light and he sat down at the bar. Ordered his drink and sipped it while chatting with the guy next to him. The guy was a bit older and seemed like a cool person. My manager said it was a little dead for his taste and asked the guy next to him for a better bar/restaurant. The guy said, ‘Well there is a place next door that is pretty fun with a lot of younger people who work there. I will take you there.’

“So my manager goes with this guy to “the Grille on the alley” which is a nice restaurant connected to the Fairmont Hotel. He walks in and for some reason, everyone knows this guy and everyone was coming up to him talking to him and hugging him. He thought nothing of it, and the two of them had a couple of drinks”.

My cousin hears all of this thinking. Wow, this sounds way too familiar, and continues to listen to him.

“So then the guy my manager was with begins to talk about his daughter and grandkids.  They exchange stories for about an hour or so until the guy he was with says that he has to go. He liked to be home and fed by 6:30 every night. My manager tried to convince him to have another, but he was certain that he was done for the evening. My manager said that he really appreciated him taking the time to show him around while he was here and they parted ways.”

Here is Monday morning and my cousin’s manager is telling my cousin this story and he is thinking…..NO way. “Wait, what did this guy look like? Can you describe him?”

“Ya, he was an older guy with grey hair and dark……Well, hold on a sec. I took a picture with him in my phone”…….He shows the phone to my cousin.

It was my dad.

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The Bachelor-The Final Rose

 Season Recap: Juan Pablo is a ball sack. The end. Hahaha.

 
So according to the preview it looks as if this episode will not disappoint. Fingers crossed the shit hits the fan. Oh and I am not too happy with some of you who are posting on Facebook and Twitter and the Google Group already…..I’m getting all these notifications and I cant check it because I am sure they are spoilers. I will be sure to put you on blast tomorrow though so you still have time to delete it before I catch you……
 
Ok for starters I am glad JP is in another bright colored V-neck or I may have not recognized him. See everyone. Let this season be a lesson to you. You all thought he was attractive at the beginning and now we all hate him together. See what being a jerk can do to your over all appearance? 
 
Real quick did anyone else just almost swallow a prong from the plastic fork from their Panera salad?? No?……Just me.
 
Spoiler Alert. Clare looks amazing and I want her to be naked ASAP.
 
How was JP’s dad pushing in Clare’s chair for her and JP didnt? hmmmmm. Warning signs Girl…..Run! Whatever they are eating looks amazing. I want that. Just got back from the gym and want to eat….But duty calls. JP’s cousin mentioned she was “begging for it” and I agree. She is so hot but seems desperate at times. I don’t understand. Juan Pablo’s dad must have seen the “swim in the ocean” episode and is trying to get some ass from Clare too. hahaha. Dirty old man……but smart.
 
Ok, Commercial just came on and said ” if you want to date our next bachelor or Bachelorette please contact Blah Blah”….How the Fuk am I supposed to know if I want to date them without even knowing who it is? I can get a blind date tomorrow Chris Harrison. Who would sign up for that not knowing who you were going to date? Don’t you want to be attracted to that person first??? What the shit………
 
Nikki is so hot too but she always ruins it with doing something lame with her hair. She seems really nervous to meet the family. Def not as smooth as my Clare Bear.
 
So JP’s dad is practically throwing JP under the bus telling Nikki that he only worries about himself…..UMMM what? I’m not a woman but if I was and heard that, I would be out like Fred Flintstone sliding down that Dinosaur tail on his way to happy hour. That’s actually the exact opposite way you get a girl. I usually don’t them them I am selfish until about 8 months into it……………(JK) Single, remember?
 
Not 100% sure but I think Juan Pablo’s dad run an Opiate farm in Venezuela….He just looks like a boss!
 
Oh the one armed chick is in the audience….High Five Girl!
 
Clare’s yellow shorts need a haircut.
 
Wait….What the fuck just happened? What did he whisper to Clare??………….He whispered sexual, insulting things to her? Like what? “I feel like we don’t know each other”…Ok now this is getting good and no you may not have a kiss, Dick! Get away from my lady. What a fuggin asshole. This guy deserves no one. Not even the Hippie chick. His communication skills with woman are horrible and he is going to be single forever that rate he is going. 
 
How did Clare just get steam rolled by him right there? Is she stupid? She was upset and crying and didnt kiss him and like 3 sentences later she is ok with him again?
 
So are you all ready to talk about Nikki in that bikini? oh my gaaawad! Her boobs are staring at me and making me uncomfortable. Displaying photo.JPG
 
 
Hey JP. Nice anklet, Fag.
 
I dont think JP cares for either of them at this point. He is horrible at communication. Everything the ladies say or bring up he spins it around on him. And how he feels. America doesnt care how you feel Juan Pablo. We all feel for Nikki and Clare now. 
 
Wait, whats this? Is Nikki having a change of heart too? Anyone remember that show Change of Heart? That shit was bad ass.
Poor Nikki is crying. Speak. Tell us why and stop doing the ugly cry.
 
Clare and Nikki both look gorgeous. I’m into both of them if you didn’t know. I love Clare’s dress but I would love it more if it had two straps. I don’t like the one shoulder thing. She looks like Tarzan and her eye make up looks over done.
 
” I wish the earth sucked me”….The fuck does that mean JP?
 
Oh my God! He is saying bye to Clare? what an idiot. Why does he have that smirk on his face? Like he wants to laugh. Oh snap! Clare just told him like it was. Good for her. We have all been thinking the same thing. She is walking away and she knows she did the right thing. We all do. Good girl..
 
“Im glad I didnt pick her” Holy fuck. Is this guy serious? I didnt think it would get worse but he is pissing on his own grave if thats possible. Juan Pablo you are a straight up little boy. 
 
Oh Wow! My girl Kat in the audience is looking beautiful. I hope she is the next Bachelorette or that I run into her at a local bar and take her home…Either or.
 
Juan Pablo has the least amount of depth in a man that I have ever seen. The screening process for ABC has failed us all. 
 
So Juan Pablo didnt propose to anyone. This whole season was so at the end he could “like her a lot”? Rip Off..Booooooooo. Such a cop out. Hey lets fly you around the world on our dime so you can like someone at the end. That guy is such a fucker. I cant stand him.
 
After the Final Rose:
Awwww I love Clare. She is very well spoken and I really appreciate what she is saying.
 
So there was some big huge surprise that never happened. Did he chicken out? 
 
Oh damn. Nikki looks the best she ever has. Wow. She is killing that red dress. After He dumps her I hope she is the bachelorette. haha. She must feel like such a fool after watching the show and seeing what all the girls thought of him…She is sitting there like “oh shit, what have I gotten myself into”. Could they look anymore NOT in love. Fuck Juan Pablo. This guys is the biggest jerk to ever be on this show. Ugggh. I’m stoked I only have to deal with him for another 20 minutes.
 
He reminds me of Zoolander when he says “People in the computer”. Retard. Nikki looks so uncomfortable with him on stage. She is embarrassed she even has to be on stage with him right now. 
 
Congratulations JP. You won a date at the end of all this. Loser. I’m pretty sure they are broken up already.
 
And the next Bachelorette is………………Andi! Do I get any money back for guessing right? Ok, Im in for next season now. Haha. But only because of her and not because I am obsessed with this show.
 
Well everyone. Its been an amazing season and I thank all of you for watching along with me. Who knows. Maybe even next season I might be able to meet one of you.
 
Until then. You know where to find me =)
 

Home…………..

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After a nice relaxing weekend getting to see my parents, Dinner with friends, Golf and a couple of workouts, I decided that the weekend would be perfect if I ended it with a nice fattening meal at In-N-Out. The closest In-N-Out is a few miles away next to the San Jose International airport. I got my food and sat outside and faced the runway as I usually do. Damn you airport. I watched all the planes take off and land and it always gets my brain thinking. So here it goes.

Where are all those people flying to? Where are they coming from? Why?

I was born and raised in San Jose, CA and it makes me realize that the only people in this whole entire world that I know are here with me. I mean I know people who live in other states but that is so minimal compared to the amount of people in this world. On planet earth I only know a tiny little portion of it and just a small handful of people in it.That kinda makes me sad. Especially when I interact with 100’s of people a day. I walk by someone every minute and don’t even bother to say hi or get to know them. It should be mandatory or something. haha. I only know what its like to live here and no where else on this huge planet. It takes a couple hundred dollars and I can be in any other state within hours or any other country. Why don’t I travel more? If I died tonight in my sleep I would be extremely upset with how my knowledge of the world works is pretty much non existent. I have grown up in one of the nicest places in the world and I haven’t even taken advantage of this. I get so consumed with work that I am letting life pass me by, and its happening too fast. Tourist come from all over the world to see things that are in my backyard……I’ve never visited Alcatraz. I’ve never been to Yosemite. There are little things I can do but I just dont. Well Mark my words. I am going to start. I want to do everything, see everything, and then check out the rest of what my country has to offer. Its stupid not to really. A few weeks ago I had always wanted to go on a hike in San Francisco just across the Golden Gate Bridge so I did it. I was there and back in a couple of hours and its something I had always wanted to do. A place I always wanted to go. A spot on earth that I always wanted to be at.

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Back to the airport. Everybody really hates airports and the security lines and the flight delays….But really its a blessing that we get the opportunity to get on a plane and go thousands of miles away in a few hours. Imagine the world before airplanes. If I thought I was grounded in San Jose now, I couldnt even imagine. Every time I am on a flight I really take the time to talk to the person next to me. Its a special moment in time if you want it to be. Think about it….My last flight I sat and talked with this guy for about an hour. Complete stranger. Odds are I will never ever see him again in my lifetime so why was it he felt he needed to tell me all about his family and his kids? I will never see him again nor will I ever meet his family. Why did we talk about work? I will never ever work with him. To me its like he is reporting to me what is happening in his part of the world. He might be where ever he lives one day telling a story about a flight he took and the guy next to him was really cool and interesting. When the flight landed he said “until we meet again”. Something about that really resonated with me. I couldn’t forget it. We were never going to meet again because the world is so big…..But what if we did?

I’m not really sure what I am trying to say, or what point I am trying to make but I just feel really small right now. I want to try to make an impact on more peoples lives. Sometimes it doesn’t take very much…..maybe even a simple “Hello” as I pass by………

San Jose will always be my home but maybe its time I see how other people live in this world.

 

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The Bachelor-The Women Tell All…………

Whats up everyone? I hope you all had an amazing week and are braving the weather wherever you are……Its sprinkling right now in my hometown. I better hunker down and stock up on water and canned goods. 

 
How sad. This is almost the last time I get to write this season and The Women Tell All is my least favorite episode. All they do is sit around and talk shit about each other still like it even matters. I hope they throw JP under the bus hard. He is such a creepy asshole.
 
I can never find anything to say about these shows since the shit talking is already being done for me…..BUT in the spirit of the Oscars last night maybe I should talk about how everyone looks and what they are wearing…..Oh Shit! If that wasn’t the gayest thing that I ever said than I don’t know what is…….#gayness
 
Ok, Right off the bat I am reminded that I never watched the Sean and Catherine wedding. I think I am ok with that(its still on my DVR though).
 
HAHAHAHA. Catherine said “Quick Fireworks” so awesome. What does she expect a super slow romantic sex sesh? If they never slept together before its gonna be quick. Trust me. He should have squeezed a quick one off before so he could last longer….Such a rookie move.
 
The fuck is this Muppets Bullshit all about.
 
Kelly-I’m glad this bitch brought her dog again. What a dumbass. her lazy eye still bothers me for the record and I am glad a friendly tribe of indians beaded her dress for her.
 
Andi looks amazing and I love her teal dress. Good color for her. She is very pretty.
 
They keep showing a chicks legs but I cant see who it is. She has cellulite…..Cellulite looks better tan 😉
 
My girl Kat is running the show so far. She is good looking to. I always liked her….Plus her boobs are extremely large. I like her hair off to one side. Thats a cute look.
 
Sharleen still looks like a raving bitch to me and I don’t like her still. She seems so uptight and I want to wrap her ear rings around her neck at this point. She is just awkward. 
 
I cant even comment on anyones dress because they only show the girls for like a second each. Renee’s dress is a little boring. That little slut! JK. She is already in a situation? Stoked for her because she deserves someone who is going to be good to her. Lucky guy.
 
Andi faked sleep? Thats not what I thought she was going to fake in the fantasy suite. I love andi. She is gorgeous. I know a lot of you dont care for her but I hope she is the next Bachelorette.
 
Ohhhhh. It was Lauren H’s leg. She looks like Mary Murphy from “so you think you can dance” but with a fatter leg. 
 
I really like how Andi got her points across. Such a lady about it all, but I really liked the points Sharleen made as well. 
 
I couldnt even comment on the dresses because all I saw was a bunch of knee caps. Couple of hot legs and a couple of bad ones. Well this episode was a dud but hopefully next weeks looks pretty crazy. I hope they both bail on his dumb ass.
 
Alright everyone I will talk to you soon.