Hella old

Quick story from the weekend.

My buddy and I went to a dive bar a few weeks back and played darts on one of their machines. We actually had a lot of fun doing it so we both we on eBay and bought a $10 set. Mostly because its fuckin’ impossible to find a matching set where the tips aren’t broken or bent. I just got mine in the mail and was stoked to go try them out. I live about 1 block from a super divey dive bar. Like when people talk about dive bars they are referring to this place. Extra gross and dirty and people are smashed at like 11am. How do I know that you ask? Its not important….back to the story. We had plans to go to a birthday dinner at 7 so we met over there at 5 to have a few pregame beers and throw a few darts. We immediately walk in to a couple of big guys trying to fight each other at the bar which I wanted no part of. I’m not a bitch but I wasn’t at that level yet where I felt I wanted to fight some random drunk guys…..yet. We set are darts and stuff on the table along with our 22oz Coors lights and started to play…Let me also throw out the fact that the UFC fights were on. Tough guys everywhere…. During the middle of one of our games I look back and two hella tough guys decided it would be a really good idea to start wrestling and knock our whole table down and send our beers smashing to the ground along with our dart shit! I wasn’t really worried since we weren’t with any girls….I don’t tolerate fighting when their are ladies with me or around us. Fuck that! So then the stop fighting and someone picks up the table and starts picking up the glass…..This is where it starts to get good……….

some girl starts yelling “hey you, buy these guys another round for knocking over their beers!”

The big drunk guy turns around and charges her and says “shut the fuck up bitch”. Well actually he said it right to my face since she decided to run from him and hide behind me.

In my mind I am thinking “ok, here we go” but he never looked at me. He was looking right at her the whole time. I thought for sure we were getting in a fight over a $4 Coors light. What would I tell me mom? 

and then BOOOOOM! out of no where a 67 year old lady steps in between us. How do I know she was 67? She came right out and said

“Hey you fucking assholes, get your fucking ass over here and pick up the god damn table before I wip out my tit and shove it up your ass. I’m 67 years old and I will fuck you up. And get these guys more drinks or I will kick your fuckin’ ass”……..This might be a good time to tell you all that while she was saying this she was flexing her right arm and made me and my friend feel her bicep. She looked like she had smoked since she was 14 and was about 1 cigarette away from smoking out of a stoma…….But damn did she have some guns. That lady probably saved me from getting into a fight I didn’t care to get into and I am glad she did because it made for a pretty funny story.

I won at darts. The lady wins at life


  1. Hey, Helly. See like celly…never mind.

    I’ve missed my buzz. Glad to see your writing again.

    This lady is my kind of chick. I want to feel her guns, too, and it doesn’t make you a bitch at all that an elderly lady saved you from getting into a fight. I hate guys who think they have to fight all of the time. A guy who has muscles but never flexes them is much sexier to me. Unless there’s a really necessary reason, I find it incredibly turnoffish to see two dudes brawl.

    So who’s hella old? You or granny guns?

    1. They really do. Its almost shameful to admit all of them…..but its a fact. I love people watching at those bars. So much to see. hahaha. We recently went into some gnarly biker bar to check out how scary it was….I went to the woman bartender and said who is the person in here thats calling the shots? she pointed and I bought him and his biker friends a round. He later came up and asked if he knew me…I said nope but you do now….SO dont kill us! hahahahah. We ended up partying with them all night. We thought it was cool but probably looked more like Pee wee herman when he met those bikers at the bar after they almost killed him…

      1. Actually that was really smart of you to buy him and his buddies a round. I’m passing along that tip for sure!

  2. HB, found ya over at Cellys, thought I’d wander over…nice place ya got here. I grew up drinking in a bar like that complete with guys with guns (real ones) speed-balling off their heads…we used to get a mention on the news about once a year. I learned to respect myself there. I also learned to respect that age was a mark of experience not weakness. Respect man. REDdog

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