The Bachelorette-Week 1

**Warning: If you have not watched Monday nights episode do not read this……

 
Whats up y’all? FUCK…..I’ve been chatting with too many people from Texas lately. 

 
Happy first episode everyone and welcome to all the new people. My name is Dave and I am a closet Bachelor/ette fan and if you know anyone that I know(excluding this group) and you tell them what I do, I will never like another picture of your kids first day of school again! Got it? This is a fun interactive group where we can share our opinions and thoughts of the show. This is not about me and what I think. We all have opinions so share them with us. It makes it fun to read what everyone is saying and cool to know what everyone is thinking. I hope you all are not easily offended because I tend to say whatever I want to. If you are offended please message me privately that way I can be sure to take you off my friends list and talk hella shit behind your back to all the “fun” people in the group. Dont make me be that person please…..
 
One last thing. If this email doesn’t make sense its mostly because its just a list of my thoughts and not a well written recap. If that is what you are looking for……write one.
 
Seriously starting now. No better way then to kick off the season with a memorial tribute. Shout out to my man Eric Hill 1982-2014. Its really sad that he has passed but even more sad for me that I haven’t been to one place from his picture montage……
 
How do I feel about Andi you ask? Well for starters she is very pretty and I love how smart and educated she is. Plus she has a killer bod but if she rocks the one piece swim suit this season lord knows I’m gonna talk about it. I cant even say Bikini I have to say swim suit. Lame.
 
I dont get it. How is this chick single? She shouldnt need to go on TV to find some random dude. 
 
Ok this is my fav part where I get to judge them coming out of the limo. I pray to god that someone does a magic trick. Pleeeeeease(fingers crossed)
 
The driveway is looking particularly slick this evening.
 
Marcus- Good looking guy actually. I dont usually tell a woman I have a lot to offer in the 2nd sentence when I meet her but maybe thats why I’m single….
Chris- Fuck. another good looking dude but he has a weird upper lip thing happening and I swore he had an irish accent……But I guess he couldnt being from Iowa. Matthew McCanaughey?
JJ- Ummmmm This guy is screaming Pee Wee Herman. Does his bow tie spin? “Im a loner Dottie, a rebel”…….Dont steal his bike.
Marquel- Usually the black dudes are just fillers to make the network happy but this guy has promise. Plus I think I have the same shirt as him. 
Tasos. Why dont you pull your shoes up kid…Where is the flood. Sweet earrings bro…Ladies and gentleman we have our first gimmick. 
Cody- Well thanks for playing Cody now go ahead and push that limo back to the airport with your bags in it please. The first time I see a guy wearing his collar up on his suit is the last time I visit Jersey shore.
Steven- He said stoked….dead give away for a Cali kid. Shit. I say that all the time. “stoked to meet you”. I’m stoked about that.
Rudie- This fukin guy is stiff! Way to go in for the hand shake guy. Attorneys need to loosen up a bit. “Fun attorney humor”……Did I miss the fun? Neeeext
Carl- Fire fighter. Locked it up
Jason- He is a doctor? Diagnosis is that she is really hot………All that time spent in med school took away from being in front of real humans and talking to real women. That’s my diagnosis. Corny jokes? he must be a pediatrician. Cool hair buddy.
Nick V.- This guy seems like a hit at the bars. I see a lot of myself in him. Wait. what?………..
Dylan- Nervous guy but I bet the ladies love him already. Who’s everyone’s favs?
Patrick- Oh you play soccer? Never would have guessed. 
Emil- This guy looks creepy. “ANAL WITH AN M” lmao. hahahaha. Winner right there.
Brett- Kinda jelly he is a hair stylist but not jelly that he brought a lamp. Hi, I’m a thief, would you like to date me?
Craig- Holy shit the second I saw his face I thought this was a party guy and BAM! Fool starts spraying the driveway like he is fuggin Lil Jon at the club. I’m a hugger too Craig. He won the most awkward hug award.
Ron- He seems way too uptight. 
Bradley- Opera singer? Bye. Not to mention he is not good looking. he kicked rocks literally
Josh- I think she is going to like this guy for some reason. Seems normal.
Nick S.- LMAO…You better believe my boy Nick the golfer just rolled up in a golf cart. hahahaha. Tigah tigah woods y’aaaalllllll. Us golfers love to blow kisses too FYI. #getsome
Brian- The first thing I noticed was his crooked ass tie and THAT’S what he brings up first?
Andrew- Seems a little nerdy for her taste but who knows.
Mike- How much weed is this guy on? Pretend all you want my friend but you did in fact just jump out of a limo and this is not a natural setting and if it was you would never talk to someone as hot as her. Camps? I bet he was in a fun frat.
Eric- I cant even look at this guy now and not be sad…..Just me? Awww I like this guy. Spoiler alert…….
Josh- He is already talking about being in her backyard….ummm. A little forward don’t you think? Keep it in your pants please. ATL
 
My man Marquel is like a cookie pro or something? Arent we all? This guy pulled out the black and white cookie….hahahahahahahahah. Yahtzeeeeeee. Point taken.
 
Please please please tell me that Chris isnt trying to crash the party….This is hilarious. This guy wanted to meet her so bad that he couldnt call her on the off season instead waited for the cameras to start rolling to show up? Typical LA
 
Anyone NOT seen Frozen? That movie is dope but if I have to hear that song one more time I am going to kill someone.
 
Wait….Are these guys gay? Not that I would know but they seem a little gay to me.
 
Steven just said it was Rad to meet all the guys….haha. I like this kid.
 
Andi has a little ghetto side to her I can tell. She gets talking to someone and a different side comes out of her.
 
Rose Ceremony-
BOOOM. My boy Nick S. pulled out the last rose like a legend! 
 
That one asshole, I dont even know his name is taking his rejection like a bitch. Class act. Go call your parents and tell them that you are a loser.
 
Ok everyone that is pretty much how my Monday nights are going down from here on out. Drama is on the way.
 
Everyone have a good night or enjoy your Tuesday morning.
 
Dave
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One comment

  1. You’re back! I’m so glad to get my dose of Dave. To start, I’m not at all excited about Andi. I easily tuned out 97% of what she said and finally gave up on rewinding because I did it the second and the third time, too. I think the guys are interesting and will at least add some flavor to her vanilla.. A couple of them were kind of crushing on each other (Patrick (my guy) and Andrew (I think)). This could get interesting.

    Body builder guy – tool.
    Lamp guy – tool
    Dr. Surfer – tool
    Cry baby – tool

    Eric was precious. So sad about him. I think they gave him a semi-nice tribute. They could have done more though. He was involved in some serious philanthropy that they could have totally plugged, but in abc fashion, Chris Harrison handsomely skimmed over the top and gave us bare min since the drama wasn’t “on air.” When did I get opinionated?

    Marquel just might be my new Brooks. He’s beautiful and funny, and I dug his shirt. I wondered a little what it would look like on my floor. Wait…what?

    So let’s make a bet: Andi wears or doesn’t wear a bikini. I vote no.

    Can’t wait until they have a date and we get to watch her dance again.

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