**Warning: If you have not watched Monday nights episode do not read this……
Quick story from the weekend.
My buddy and I went to a dive bar a few weeks back and played darts on one of their machines. We actually had a lot of fun doing it so we both we on eBay and bought a $10 set. Mostly because its fuckin’ impossible to find a matching set where the tips aren’t broken or bent. I just got mine in the mail and was stoked to go try them out. I live about 1 block from a super divey dive bar. Like when people talk about dive bars they are referring to this place. Extra gross and dirty and people are smashed at like 11am. How do I know that you ask? Its not important….back to the story. We had plans to go to a birthday dinner at 7 so we met over there at 5 to have a few pregame beers and throw a few darts. We immediately walk in to a couple of big guys trying to fight each other at the bar which I wanted no part of. I’m not a bitch but I wasn’t at that level yet where I felt I wanted to fight some random drunk guys…..yet. We set are darts and stuff on the table along with our 22oz Coors lights and started to play…Let me also throw out the fact that the UFC fights were on. Tough guys everywhere…. During the middle of one of our games I look back and two hella tough guys decided it would be a really good idea to start wrestling and knock our whole table down and send our beers smashing to the ground along with our dart shit! I wasn’t really worried since we weren’t with any girls….I don’t tolerate fighting when their are ladies with me or around us. Fuck that! So then the stop fighting and someone picks up the table and starts picking up the glass…..This is where it starts to get good……….
some girl starts yelling “hey you, buy these guys another round for knocking over their beers!”
The big drunk guy turns around and charges her and says “shut the fuck up bitch”. Well actually he said it right to my face since she decided to run from him and hide behind me.
In my mind I am thinking “ok, here we go” but he never looked at me. He was looking right at her the whole time. I thought for sure we were getting in a fight over a $4 Coors light. What would I tell me mom?
and then BOOOOOM! out of no where a 67 year old lady steps in between us. How do I know she was 67? She came right out and said
“Hey you fucking assholes, get your fucking ass over here and pick up the god damn table before I wip out my tit and shove it up your ass. I’m 67 years old and I will fuck you up. And get these guys more drinks or I will kick your fuckin’ ass”……..This might be a good time to tell you all that while she was saying this she was flexing her right arm and made me and my friend feel her bicep. She looked like she had smoked since she was 14 and was about 1 cigarette away from smoking out of a stoma…….But damn did she have some guns. That lady probably saved me from getting into a fight I didn’t care to get into and I am glad she did because it made for a pretty funny story.
I won at darts. The lady wins at life
So I am not the best blogger and I get that. last week someone sent me some award thing that I didnt know what to do with. There were questions that I was supposed to answer but I wasnt sure what to do with them. I am new to this so deal with it…………Well, here are the answers. I think they are from my friend cellulitelooksbettertan, Miss Celly if you nasty.
1. Who is number one on your exemption list? Well since I am single and can do whatever the fuck I want to, I don’t have a list right now….When I do get into a relationship, this is the list I am going to present to my girlfriend….I might wait until the second date though…
Candice Swanepoel and Nancy O’dell from TV. I have too many but these are going to be at the top of my list. Im super into fitness chicks.
2. What is your favorite smell and why? That’s easy. Cocaine……………… Just kidding. I dont do any drugs…Just alcohol.
Purple. No, not grape. Purple. I’m aware purple is not a smell but for some reason you cant smell grape without thinking purple. So when I smell grape the only thing I think of is the color. I have just always thought that as a little kid. Remember that commercial where the kids opens up the fridge and they are looking for something to drink? “water, purple stuff, sunny D”…..Secretly I am a little black kid who wants the purple drink.
3. What book can you read over and over again. If you’re not into books, what movie never gets old? I can watch basically any Will Ferrell movie over and over. LOVE stepbrothers, anchorman, Talladega Nights, and a lot of people sleep on this movie but The other guys is hilarious. If you haven’t seen it go watch it now and read the rest of my answers later. You’re welcome.
4. What is the story behind your blog name? Being from Northern California, saying the word hella is just normal to me. Granted I am a grown ass man but its still part of my California heritage. The buzzed part of it is because your boy likes to party and have a good time! hahaha. Anytime you ask me if I am drunk I will always answer “Nope, Just buzzed”. Catch me at the right moment and I am sure I will say ” I’m Hella Buzzed” at least once through out the night.
5. What is your favorite song and why? Music is such a huge part of my life and always has been. At this exact moment I would say Kings of Leon-Wait for me. Such a beautiful song and just sounds perfect to me. I just saw them live last week. Amazing show and love their music. I have too many music loves at the moment and it changes daily.
6. What is your least favorites song, the one that makes your put your fingers in your ears and say “lalalalala”? I actually would be ok if I never heard the Gangnam style song ever again. My aunt set up a flash mob for my grandmas 80th birthday party at a restaurant and that was the song. My aunt lied to me and told me it was another song because she knew how much I hated that song. Dont believe me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmOXLQBDyB4 I dont know where the original video is but this is how it went down. Fuck I hate that song.
7. What’s the best book you’ve read lately? Dear Stephanie……BY an amazing writer.
8. What did the last text you sent say? Word for word. (K does not count. If “K” was your last text, then I want to know what your second to last text said.) “What if that was Nike’s slogan? Then just do it” )
9. What gives you the heebie jeebies? Pennies. Pennies are fucking disgusting and gross and no body likes them. Poor Abe Lincoln got screwed. He is on the worst coin of them all. Its actual real money but If I see that shit on the street do you think I am bending over to pick up a penny? Hell no. Cost me 14 cents just to bend over and I don’t have time for that. They smell gross and feel slimy and clammy. If someone poured a bucket of pennies on my bed I would move.
10. Do close talkers bother you as much as they do me? If so, why? If someone is talking to me so close that it makes me cross eyed and uncomfortable….than Fuck that! Back the shit up sir. There is no need for someone to be that close to me telling me a story about traffic or whatever they were talking about.
11. What are you wearing? I’m not even kidding. I am wearing some black Cole Haan shoes and grey slacks with a mostly white button up shirt with pastel blue and light pink stripes(from far away it looks white). And just put on a North face jacket because it is colder than balls in my office. Oh and a nike Fuel band around my wrist and boxers and socks…..and a Nautica undershirt.
Fuck, I suck so bad these days. To the 3 people who follow me I apologize for being such a dud lately. Your boy has been busy but I promise to get a solid story in soon. I feel like I have a lot to talk about. Mostly a lot of short stories and nothing time consuming to read.
And if you were one of the people to nominate me for the Leiber award(did I spell that right?), sorry for not replying. Its mostly because I didn’t know anyone to nominate back. Plus everyone I follow had already been nominated so I didn’t want to nominate the same peeps over and over. Speaking of peeps, Happy Easter…..whenever it is.
Don’t give up on me just yet. Your mom hasn’t.
Happy birthday everyone. That’s preemptive since I will forget when it actually comes around.
I just stumbled upon this looking for an old email. Its a letter I wrote to Hooters after eating there years ago. Enjoy.
This is the email I sent to Hooters plus the responses.
EARTH TO HOOTERS…..ITS 2011.
Why are the ladies who work at Hooters wearing Jane Fonda’s workout gear from the 70’s? Its 2011. Why has the corporation never updated their outfits? I mean I go to Hooters because of the awesome happy hour and watch sports. Yes, its a bonus there are all ladies working there. Yes, the beer and food taste the same no matter what they wear BUT why not an update? Who wears scrunchy socks anymore(excluding the 80’s parties)? Who wears Richard Simmons shorts? The answer is no one. Why not put them in shorts that like volleyball players wear or something. There are hundreds of cuter outfits out there that can match this century. Why not try something new. The outfits they wear are not very flattering and mostly because no one wears that stuff or havent in the last 20 years. The tanks are timeless I will give you that. Do away with those awful shorts and awful socks. I understand Hooters is legendary for its attire and pretty much a trademark but whats wrong with a small change?
Just something I think about every time I go to Hooters. I also understand its a family restaurant and there are regulations but lets face it….the majority of the customers are men. Might as well make them all do their hair like Farrah Fawcett and completely pull off the 70’s look.
Thanks for listening.
Dear Mr. Dave:
We at the Hooters Hotline received your comments regarding the Hooters Girls’ uniforms. We genuinely apologize for the poor choice. We appreciate your taking the time to write us. Feedback such as yours helps us identify ways to improve in our continuous quest to deliver the ultimate Hooters guest experience.
Because we want to share your remarks with our restaurant, we have forwarded your message to the area supervisor. Our desire is to make Hooters your choice once again for terrific food, beverages, and fun.
Thank you, Mr. Dave, for sharing your comments. We apologize again and look forward to making your next Hooters visit a pleasant and memorable one.
Should you like more information about us, please visit us on the Web at www.hooters.com.
Hooters Hotline…We give a Hoot!
P.S. Please retain the ticket number located below. This will help us locate your information should you need us again.
2nd email response
We like your your Farrah Fawcett idea and are looking into it..
Thank you for your continued patronage!
Sometimes I feel like these two dicks. I just sit back, talk some shit, than move on with my life…..
And I’m ok with that.
People who know me know that if I make fun of you, it’s because I care about you. Please don’t take it personal. Be worried if I am NOT making fun of you. It means you have not had an impact on my life whatsoever.
After my last week’s rant about how big the world is………..This happens.
Monday morning my phone rings…….It’s my cousin.
“You are never going to believe this,” he says.
Laughing, “What’s up?”
“Ok, so my manager was just in Minnesota for a conference and was flying home. He decided to fly to San Jose to go to some seminar there for a quick over nighter. He told me when he landed he wasn’t even sure where he was going to stay, but he found a Marriot in the heart of downtown San Jose. He was by himself and wanted to grab a drink so he went across the street to a restaurant called “Original Joes”.
It’s an Italian restaurant that’s been around forever. Anyway……….
He continued with his story, “You have to know that my manager will meet anyone and everyone. He can go anywhere alone and leave with 20 friends. He is that type of guy. He goes into the bar and there isn’t much happening. The crowd was light and he sat down at the bar. Ordered his drink and sipped it while chatting with the guy next to him. The guy was a bit older and seemed like a cool person. My manager said it was a little dead for his taste and asked the guy next to him for a better bar/restaurant. The guy said, ‘Well there is a place next door that is pretty fun with a lot of younger people who work there. I will take you there.’
“So my manager goes with this guy to “the Grille on the alley” which is a nice restaurant connected to the Fairmont Hotel. He walks in and for some reason, everyone knows this guy and everyone was coming up to him talking to him and hugging him. He thought nothing of it, and the two of them had a couple of drinks”.
My cousin hears all of this thinking. Wow, this sounds way too familiar, and continues to listen to him.
“So then the guy my manager was with begins to talk about his daughter and grandkids. They exchange stories for about an hour or so until the guy he was with says that he has to go. He liked to be home and fed by 6:30 every night. My manager tried to convince him to have another, but he was certain that he was done for the evening. My manager said that he really appreciated him taking the time to show him around while he was here and they parted ways.”
Here is Monday morning and my cousin’s manager is telling my cousin this story and he is thinking…..NO way. “Wait, what did this guy look like? Can you describe him?”
“Ya, he was an older guy with grey hair and dark……Well, hold on a sec. I took a picture with him in my phone”…….He shows the phone to my cousin.
It was my dad.
Season Recap: Juan Pablo is a ball sack. The end. Hahaha.
After a nice relaxing weekend getting to see my parents, Dinner with friends, Golf and a couple of workouts, I decided that the weekend would be perfect if I ended it with a nice fattening meal at In-N-Out. The closest In-N-Out is a few miles away next to the San Jose International airport. I got my food and sat outside and faced the runway as I usually do. Damn you airport. I watched all the planes take off and land and it always gets my brain thinking. So here it goes.
Where are all those people flying to? Where are they coming from? Why?
I was born and raised in San Jose, CA and it makes me realize that the only people in this whole entire world that I know are here with me. I mean I know people who live in other states but that is so minimal compared to the amount of people in this world. On planet earth I only know a tiny little portion of it and just a small handful of people in it.That kinda makes me sad. Especially when I interact with 100’s of people a day. I walk by someone every minute and don’t even bother to say hi or get to know them. It should be mandatory or something. haha. I only know what its like to live here and no where else on this huge planet. It takes a couple hundred dollars and I can be in any other state within hours or any other country. Why don’t I travel more? If I died tonight in my sleep I would be extremely upset with how my knowledge of the world works is pretty much non existent. I have grown up in one of the nicest places in the world and I haven’t even taken advantage of this. I get so consumed with work that I am letting life pass me by, and its happening too fast. Tourist come from all over the world to see things that are in my backyard……I’ve never visited Alcatraz. I’ve never been to Yosemite. There are little things I can do but I just dont. Well Mark my words. I am going to start. I want to do everything, see everything, and then check out the rest of what my country has to offer. Its stupid not to really. A few weeks ago I had always wanted to go on a hike in San Francisco just across the Golden Gate Bridge so I did it. I was there and back in a couple of hours and its something I had always wanted to do. A place I always wanted to go. A spot on earth that I always wanted to be at.
Back to the airport. Everybody really hates airports and the security lines and the flight delays….But really its a blessing that we get the opportunity to get on a plane and go thousands of miles away in a few hours. Imagine the world before airplanes. If I thought I was grounded in San Jose now, I couldnt even imagine. Every time I am on a flight I really take the time to talk to the person next to me. Its a special moment in time if you want it to be. Think about it….My last flight I sat and talked with this guy for about an hour. Complete stranger. Odds are I will never ever see him again in my lifetime so why was it he felt he needed to tell me all about his family and his kids? I will never see him again nor will I ever meet his family. Why did we talk about work? I will never ever work with him. To me its like he is reporting to me what is happening in his part of the world. He might be where ever he lives one day telling a story about a flight he took and the guy next to him was really cool and interesting. When the flight landed he said “until we meet again”. Something about that really resonated with me. I couldn’t forget it. We were never going to meet again because the world is so big…..But what if we did?
I’m not really sure what I am trying to say, or what point I am trying to make but I just feel really small right now. I want to try to make an impact on more peoples lives. Sometimes it doesn’t take very much…..maybe even a simple “Hello” as I pass by………
San Jose will always be my home but maybe its time I see how other people live in this world.
Whats up everyone? I hope you all had an amazing week and are braving the weather wherever you are……Its sprinkling right now in my hometown. I better hunker down and stock up on water and canned goods.