I feel like lately a lot of people are asking me why I am single. At first I was kinda offended and it makes me feel like a loser. Its like asking a fat person why they are fat. Or a skinny person why they are skinny. I don’t need anyone pointing out the fact that I am single. I am well aware but I think I am a pretty good catch.Maybe I just don’t want to be caught. Am I the only one who feels like this? I sure hope not.
I guess the short answer is that I am scared. I have said this a million times but I don’t mind screwing up my own life but I would never want to screw up someone else’s. Especially if there are kids involved. I have been in some really good relationships in my life and suffered major heart break…..and this fuggin’ sucked so bad. I don’t think I am scared to be hurt, I think I am scared of hurting. There is something in my bones to where when times get tough I have no problem saying “Ok, that’s it!”….and then split. I cant describe it but its in me. And what if I was married and have kids? How could I do that to my family? Would I? I have no clue but I guess I don’t even want to have to find out the hard way. I guess the older that I get, the more I think. I don’t think 35 year old me thinks the same as 21 year old me but all I know is what I have done or experienced.
Do I just need to man up? I don’t want to date someone just to date them. I am NOT bored. I don’t want to dive into something unless there is immediate chemistry. Everyone, and I mean everyone thinks that I am picky but Fuk that! I have to be. I don’t want just anyone. I want the right one. When you know, you just know.
My favorite thing to tell people, especially my Mom is ” I am alone. I am not lonely. There is a difference.”
Please do not pity me. I am right where I need to be at this point in my life.
If you read this far, the highest of Fives!