bachelor

The Bachelorette- Week 2

Happy Monday everyone and I hope you all had a nice relaxing 3 day weekend. Thank you to all the men and women in the service fighting for us and their families. We appreciate it.

 
Before I get started I wanted to let everyone know that I will be on vacation next Monday and will not be giving you all my 2 cents. I am headed to San Diego to visit some family and then heading to Palm Springs for 3 days of golf. So stoked. Its by far my favorite thing to do all year……But wait! I have planned ahead. Since I wont be watching the show and talking shit I have asked someone to fill in for me. She shall remain nameless and you will just have to wait and see who it is. 
 
Ok, lets see what this bitch gets herself into this week……
 
So the guys are now in the mansion. It looks like a damn H&M model shoot.
 
Eric gets the first one on one date. Shit, this is hard. Tough knowing this guy looks happy but I know he is no longer with us….How sad.Kinda like watching the Tupac or Michael Jackson Hologram. 
 
Eric “whats this place called?”
Andi “This place is called the beach”
 
What a fuggin bitch. Obviously its the beach dummy but what are we doing here? (is what he should have said)
 
Oh snap! Andi is actually wearing a bikini….and wearing it well. Special note to the camera crew though when they are doing sand angels take it from a different angle where you are not all up in her V zone. Oh cool….a helicopter ride. How unexpected. Hopefully Eric never watched this show before because 9 times out of 10 you get to ride in a chopper. Not that special…..Oh…Louie vitto. Now that pretty cool. That kid is pretty dope.
 
I would like to go on record and say that thats NOT snowboarding! She was wearing snowboarding gear and standing with a board on her feet. Hot cocoa and sitting on a sled on more her style. 
 
Ok, I have caught on to Andi’s “thing”….She says “stop” a lot. Kinda like how when you tell a story and someone says ‘shut up”….They dont want you to shut up, they just mean ” Noooo Waaaaay”….Ya, she does that.
 
Fuck. Eric seems like a pretty good guy. Did I just hear him say he roasted marshmellows over a volcano? I think I would have a hard time being with someone that has done almost everything humanly possible. 
 
Group Date time. Lets bare our souls. Oh crap….here we go. Male exotic dancing? Uhhhhh gross. I wonder what else is on…..
 
Craig is annoying as ever. I dont like this guy. Is he always drunk?
My boy Chris the golfer is the gay robot. Haha. Classic. Nice thong homie Hahah.
Cody is a shit bag. Arrogant asshole. Yes we all know you work out. Fag.
Pretty sure Chris Harrison smacked one of the guys asses.
Why does Brian have a black eye? Did I miss something?
 
Glad that is over but I have a feeling I was the only one who did NOT enjoy that scene. I want to hear what you all thought….Bunch’a hoochies.
 
Damn. Andi looks hot in that black dress and when I say Andi I mean her boobs are pretty much calling my name. #FanOfTheBoobGlisten
 
Craig is obviously the town drunk and he is becoming fun to watch….Although I am sure he is going home very soon. Dude is ripped. haha. “whats the worst thing about your parents?” LMAO.hahahahaha. I am actually laughing and crying. How funny is that? I want to party with him kinda.
 
Get over it Andi. So he had too much to drink. Everyone is out of their element and alcohol helps people let loose. He just went to far….BUT We all know thats how he is all the time. She is taking it as a personal attack on her process to find true love on TV with 25 guys with a countless amount of money to spend. Because thats normal. I think she needs to have a few cocktails and re-fukin-lax herself……….
 
Well hopefully Chris has a nice date with her. So who does everyone think is the front runner so far?
 
Santa Anita horse track is fun. I have been there before. Its exciting even when you only bet a couple of bucks. How is Chris gonna come out looking like Pee Wee though? Ugh. I am not a fan of the bow tie. Let that trend go fellas. 
 
“You just kinda know, you know”….I couldnt have said it better myself old lady. 
 
Wait I thought Andi had one last surprise for Chris. Ummmm A private concert? Thats not a surprise. We all knew it was coming since it happens every season. WOW. the first kiss was the real surprise if you ask me. I didnt think that was going to happen. City lawyer and farmer scare me a bit. I dont think he could keep up with her life style. Curious to see how that pans out. I like his hair.
 
Sock puppets behind the couch…..Check please.
 
Ok, So I am about to let you all in on a secret. All of these guys are acting like perfect gentlemen because they havent slept with her yet. Thats what we do. This is why I dont like the Bachelorette as much as the Bachelor. The guys are playing to win. They are all there to beat the other guys. Andi is the first place trophy and its not as genuine as 1 guy and a bunch of women. Women are more honest. There, I said it…  
 
Breaking news: This just in. Craig cant sing for shit. Now back to our show.
 
Well FUCK! My guy Nick S. is out. Bye Bye $10. Shit.
 
Ok so I guess the Bachelorette is on twice next week. My replacement is going to have her work cut out for her. Haha. Nothing like a double header to get your feet wet. 
 
Another episode is come and gone and not too much excitement just yet. I can say that I am starting to like some of the dudes now. Usually I hate them all for at least 3-4 episodes but some of them are stepping it up. 
 
Who does everyone like so far? Who does everyone think is hot? Who do you see ending up with Andi? Is it too early?
 
I want to know so send some feedback when you cant. 
 
I hope everyone has a good night out there in internet land. Dont miss me too much next week.
 
 
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The Bachelorette-Week 1

**Warning: If you have not watched Monday nights episode do not read this……

 
Whats up y’all? FUCK…..I’ve been chatting with too many people from Texas lately. 

 
Happy first episode everyone and welcome to all the new people. My name is Dave and I am a closet Bachelor/ette fan and if you know anyone that I know(excluding this group) and you tell them what I do, I will never like another picture of your kids first day of school again! Got it? This is a fun interactive group where we can share our opinions and thoughts of the show. This is not about me and what I think. We all have opinions so share them with us. It makes it fun to read what everyone is saying and cool to know what everyone is thinking. I hope you all are not easily offended because I tend to say whatever I want to. If you are offended please message me privately that way I can be sure to take you off my friends list and talk hella shit behind your back to all the “fun” people in the group. Dont make me be that person please…..
 
One last thing. If this email doesn’t make sense its mostly because its just a list of my thoughts and not a well written recap. If that is what you are looking for……write one.
 
Seriously starting now. No better way then to kick off the season with a memorial tribute. Shout out to my man Eric Hill 1982-2014. Its really sad that he has passed but even more sad for me that I haven’t been to one place from his picture montage……
 
How do I feel about Andi you ask? Well for starters she is very pretty and I love how smart and educated she is. Plus she has a killer bod but if she rocks the one piece swim suit this season lord knows I’m gonna talk about it. I cant even say Bikini I have to say swim suit. Lame.
 
I dont get it. How is this chick single? She shouldnt need to go on TV to find some random dude. 
 
Ok this is my fav part where I get to judge them coming out of the limo. I pray to god that someone does a magic trick. Pleeeeeease(fingers crossed)
 
The driveway is looking particularly slick this evening.
 
Marcus- Good looking guy actually. I dont usually tell a woman I have a lot to offer in the 2nd sentence when I meet her but maybe thats why I’m single….
Chris- Fuck. another good looking dude but he has a weird upper lip thing happening and I swore he had an irish accent……But I guess he couldnt being from Iowa. Matthew McCanaughey?
JJ- Ummmmm This guy is screaming Pee Wee Herman. Does his bow tie spin? “Im a loner Dottie, a rebel”…….Dont steal his bike.
Marquel- Usually the black dudes are just fillers to make the network happy but this guy has promise. Plus I think I have the same shirt as him. 
Tasos. Why dont you pull your shoes up kid…Where is the flood. Sweet earrings bro…Ladies and gentleman we have our first gimmick. 
Cody- Well thanks for playing Cody now go ahead and push that limo back to the airport with your bags in it please. The first time I see a guy wearing his collar up on his suit is the last time I visit Jersey shore.
Steven- He said stoked….dead give away for a Cali kid. Shit. I say that all the time. “stoked to meet you”. I’m stoked about that.
Rudie- This fukin guy is stiff! Way to go in for the hand shake guy. Attorneys need to loosen up a bit. “Fun attorney humor”……Did I miss the fun? Neeeext
Carl- Fire fighter. Locked it up
Jason- He is a doctor? Diagnosis is that she is really hot………All that time spent in med school took away from being in front of real humans and talking to real women. That’s my diagnosis. Corny jokes? he must be a pediatrician. Cool hair buddy.
Nick V.- This guy seems like a hit at the bars. I see a lot of myself in him. Wait. what?………..
Dylan- Nervous guy but I bet the ladies love him already. Who’s everyone’s favs?
Patrick- Oh you play soccer? Never would have guessed. 
Emil- This guy looks creepy. “ANAL WITH AN M” lmao. hahahaha. Winner right there.
Brett- Kinda jelly he is a hair stylist but not jelly that he brought a lamp. Hi, I’m a thief, would you like to date me?
Craig- Holy shit the second I saw his face I thought this was a party guy and BAM! Fool starts spraying the driveway like he is fuggin Lil Jon at the club. I’m a hugger too Craig. He won the most awkward hug award.
Ron- He seems way too uptight. 
Bradley- Opera singer? Bye. Not to mention he is not good looking. he kicked rocks literally
Josh- I think she is going to like this guy for some reason. Seems normal.
Nick S.- LMAO…You better believe my boy Nick the golfer just rolled up in a golf cart. hahahaha. Tigah tigah woods y’aaaalllllll. Us golfers love to blow kisses too FYI. #getsome
Brian- The first thing I noticed was his crooked ass tie and THAT’S what he brings up first?
Andrew- Seems a little nerdy for her taste but who knows.
Mike- How much weed is this guy on? Pretend all you want my friend but you did in fact just jump out of a limo and this is not a natural setting and if it was you would never talk to someone as hot as her. Camps? I bet he was in a fun frat.
Eric- I cant even look at this guy now and not be sad…..Just me? Awww I like this guy. Spoiler alert…….
Josh- He is already talking about being in her backyard….ummm. A little forward don’t you think? Keep it in your pants please. ATL
 
My man Marquel is like a cookie pro or something? Arent we all? This guy pulled out the black and white cookie….hahahahahahahahah. Yahtzeeeeeee. Point taken.
 
Please please please tell me that Chris isnt trying to crash the party….This is hilarious. This guy wanted to meet her so bad that he couldnt call her on the off season instead waited for the cameras to start rolling to show up? Typical LA
 
Anyone NOT seen Frozen? That movie is dope but if I have to hear that song one more time I am going to kill someone.
 
Wait….Are these guys gay? Not that I would know but they seem a little gay to me.
 
Steven just said it was Rad to meet all the guys….haha. I like this kid.
 
Andi has a little ghetto side to her I can tell. She gets talking to someone and a different side comes out of her.
 
Rose Ceremony-
BOOOM. My boy Nick S. pulled out the last rose like a legend! 
 
That one asshole, I dont even know his name is taking his rejection like a bitch. Class act. Go call your parents and tell them that you are a loser.
 
Ok everyone that is pretty much how my Monday nights are going down from here on out. Drama is on the way.
 
Everyone have a good night or enjoy your Tuesday morning.
 
Dave

The Bachelor-The Final Rose

 Season Recap: Juan Pablo is a ball sack. The end. Hahaha.

 
So according to the preview it looks as if this episode will not disappoint. Fingers crossed the shit hits the fan. Oh and I am not too happy with some of you who are posting on Facebook and Twitter and the Google Group already…..I’m getting all these notifications and I cant check it because I am sure they are spoilers. I will be sure to put you on blast tomorrow though so you still have time to delete it before I catch you……
 
Ok for starters I am glad JP is in another bright colored V-neck or I may have not recognized him. See everyone. Let this season be a lesson to you. You all thought he was attractive at the beginning and now we all hate him together. See what being a jerk can do to your over all appearance? 
 
Real quick did anyone else just almost swallow a prong from the plastic fork from their Panera salad?? No?……Just me.
 
Spoiler Alert. Clare looks amazing and I want her to be naked ASAP.
 
How was JP’s dad pushing in Clare’s chair for her and JP didnt? hmmmmm. Warning signs Girl…..Run! Whatever they are eating looks amazing. I want that. Just got back from the gym and want to eat….But duty calls. JP’s cousin mentioned she was “begging for it” and I agree. She is so hot but seems desperate at times. I don’t understand. Juan Pablo’s dad must have seen the “swim in the ocean” episode and is trying to get some ass from Clare too. hahaha. Dirty old man……but smart.
 
Ok, Commercial just came on and said ” if you want to date our next bachelor or Bachelorette please contact Blah Blah”….How the Fuk am I supposed to know if I want to date them without even knowing who it is? I can get a blind date tomorrow Chris Harrison. Who would sign up for that not knowing who you were going to date? Don’t you want to be attracted to that person first??? What the shit………
 
Nikki is so hot too but she always ruins it with doing something lame with her hair. She seems really nervous to meet the family. Def not as smooth as my Clare Bear.
 
So JP’s dad is practically throwing JP under the bus telling Nikki that he only worries about himself…..UMMM what? I’m not a woman but if I was and heard that, I would be out like Fred Flintstone sliding down that Dinosaur tail on his way to happy hour. That’s actually the exact opposite way you get a girl. I usually don’t them them I am selfish until about 8 months into it……………(JK) Single, remember?
 
Not 100% sure but I think Juan Pablo’s dad run an Opiate farm in Venezuela….He just looks like a boss!
 
Oh the one armed chick is in the audience….High Five Girl!
 
Clare’s yellow shorts need a haircut.
 
Wait….What the fuck just happened? What did he whisper to Clare??………….He whispered sexual, insulting things to her? Like what? “I feel like we don’t know each other”…Ok now this is getting good and no you may not have a kiss, Dick! Get away from my lady. What a fuggin asshole. This guy deserves no one. Not even the Hippie chick. His communication skills with woman are horrible and he is going to be single forever that rate he is going. 
 
How did Clare just get steam rolled by him right there? Is she stupid? She was upset and crying and didnt kiss him and like 3 sentences later she is ok with him again?
 
So are you all ready to talk about Nikki in that bikini? oh my gaaawad! Her boobs are staring at me and making me uncomfortable. Displaying photo.JPG
 
 
Hey JP. Nice anklet, Fag.
 
I dont think JP cares for either of them at this point. He is horrible at communication. Everything the ladies say or bring up he spins it around on him. And how he feels. America doesnt care how you feel Juan Pablo. We all feel for Nikki and Clare now. 
 
Wait, whats this? Is Nikki having a change of heart too? Anyone remember that show Change of Heart? That shit was bad ass.
Poor Nikki is crying. Speak. Tell us why and stop doing the ugly cry.
 
Clare and Nikki both look gorgeous. I’m into both of them if you didn’t know. I love Clare’s dress but I would love it more if it had two straps. I don’t like the one shoulder thing. She looks like Tarzan and her eye make up looks over done.
 
” I wish the earth sucked me”….The fuck does that mean JP?
 
Oh my God! He is saying bye to Clare? what an idiot. Why does he have that smirk on his face? Like he wants to laugh. Oh snap! Clare just told him like it was. Good for her. We have all been thinking the same thing. She is walking away and she knows she did the right thing. We all do. Good girl..
 
“Im glad I didnt pick her” Holy fuck. Is this guy serious? I didnt think it would get worse but he is pissing on his own grave if thats possible. Juan Pablo you are a straight up little boy. 
 
Oh Wow! My girl Kat in the audience is looking beautiful. I hope she is the next Bachelorette or that I run into her at a local bar and take her home…Either or.
 
Juan Pablo has the least amount of depth in a man that I have ever seen. The screening process for ABC has failed us all. 
 
So Juan Pablo didnt propose to anyone. This whole season was so at the end he could “like her a lot”? Rip Off..Booooooooo. Such a cop out. Hey lets fly you around the world on our dime so you can like someone at the end. That guy is such a fucker. I cant stand him.
 
After the Final Rose:
Awwww I love Clare. She is very well spoken and I really appreciate what she is saying.
 
So there was some big huge surprise that never happened. Did he chicken out? 
 
Oh damn. Nikki looks the best she ever has. Wow. She is killing that red dress. After He dumps her I hope she is the bachelorette. haha. She must feel like such a fool after watching the show and seeing what all the girls thought of him…She is sitting there like “oh shit, what have I gotten myself into”. Could they look anymore NOT in love. Fuck Juan Pablo. This guys is the biggest jerk to ever be on this show. Ugggh. I’m stoked I only have to deal with him for another 20 minutes.
 
He reminds me of Zoolander when he says “People in the computer”. Retard. Nikki looks so uncomfortable with him on stage. She is embarrassed she even has to be on stage with him right now. 
 
Congratulations JP. You won a date at the end of all this. Loser. I’m pretty sure they are broken up already.
 
And the next Bachelorette is………………Andi! Do I get any money back for guessing right? Ok, Im in for next season now. Haha. But only because of her and not because I am obsessed with this show.
 
Well everyone. Its been an amazing season and I thank all of you for watching along with me. Who knows. Maybe even next season I might be able to meet one of you.
 
Until then. You know where to find me =)
 

The Bachelor-The Women Tell All…………

Whats up everyone? I hope you all had an amazing week and are braving the weather wherever you are……Its sprinkling right now in my hometown. I better hunker down and stock up on water and canned goods. 

 
How sad. This is almost the last time I get to write this season and The Women Tell All is my least favorite episode. All they do is sit around and talk shit about each other still like it even matters. I hope they throw JP under the bus hard. He is such a creepy asshole.
 
I can never find anything to say about these shows since the shit talking is already being done for me…..BUT in the spirit of the Oscars last night maybe I should talk about how everyone looks and what they are wearing…..Oh Shit! If that wasn’t the gayest thing that I ever said than I don’t know what is…….#gayness
 
Ok, Right off the bat I am reminded that I never watched the Sean and Catherine wedding. I think I am ok with that(its still on my DVR though).
 
HAHAHAHA. Catherine said “Quick Fireworks” so awesome. What does she expect a super slow romantic sex sesh? If they never slept together before its gonna be quick. Trust me. He should have squeezed a quick one off before so he could last longer….Such a rookie move.
 
The fuck is this Muppets Bullshit all about.
 
Kelly-I’m glad this bitch brought her dog again. What a dumbass. her lazy eye still bothers me for the record and I am glad a friendly tribe of indians beaded her dress for her.
 
Andi looks amazing and I love her teal dress. Good color for her. She is very pretty.
 
They keep showing a chicks legs but I cant see who it is. She has cellulite…..Cellulite looks better tan 😉
 
My girl Kat is running the show so far. She is good looking to. I always liked her….Plus her boobs are extremely large. I like her hair off to one side. Thats a cute look.
 
Sharleen still looks like a raving bitch to me and I don’t like her still. She seems so uptight and I want to wrap her ear rings around her neck at this point. She is just awkward. 
 
I cant even comment on anyones dress because they only show the girls for like a second each. Renee’s dress is a little boring. That little slut! JK. She is already in a situation? Stoked for her because she deserves someone who is going to be good to her. Lucky guy.
 
Andi faked sleep? Thats not what I thought she was going to fake in the fantasy suite. I love andi. She is gorgeous. I know a lot of you dont care for her but I hope she is the next Bachelorette.
 
Ohhhhh. It was Lauren H’s leg. She looks like Mary Murphy from “so you think you can dance” but with a fatter leg. 
 
I really like how Andi got her points across. Such a lady about it all, but I really liked the points Sharleen made as well. 
 
I couldnt even comment on the dresses because all I saw was a bunch of knee caps. Couple of hot legs and a couple of bad ones. Well this episode was a dud but hopefully next weeks looks pretty crazy. I hope they both bail on his dumb ass.
 
Alright everyone I will talk to you soon.

The Bachelor-Week 8, Part 2

Two nights in a row this week. First of all you’re welcome. Secondly I feel so mysterious. Kinda like when Dorthy and the rest of those weirdos went to Oz and found the wizard was just some regular dude talking shit behind a curtain. You’re telling me he couldnt have gotten an office down the hall? The best place for him to hide was right behind a curtain in the same room as them? Everything else in that movie made sense but that part, they totally lost me….Anyways I feel like a wizard.

With the season winding down the mystery of Clare’s Necklace is finally solved……You know how its been driving me crazy all season? Well I found out
Well I cant wait to see another failed relationship end in Beautiful St. Lucia. Lets start this shit show.
Clare’s Date-
Well I have to start by saying she is gorgeous as ever. I love how Clare Said “If Juan Pablo asks me to stay in the fantasy suite”….Ummmm Its coming dummy so get ready. And very graceful of her to pretend she is a good girl and debating weather or not to go. We all know she is probably setting up the sex swing as we speak.
Another date on a yaught (yaaaaaawn). I have seen way too many rap videos to be impressed by this.
Beeeee Yoooouu Beeeeee Yooooouu. Boner alert! This flirty little vixen with that white dress. Oh my. She is killing that dress.
Date card- Oh my gosh. I wonder what it could be. This isnt the grammys. Open it open it open it. Stoked that Juan Pablo is ok with staying the night with 3 women on tv but swimming with 1 in the ocean is a big No No for Camilla to see. Maybe he just ate and he didnt wait to proper amount of time. I guess that would be a bad thing to teach your daughter.
Why am I jealous right now? Fuck that guy…..(rolling my eyes hella hard). Annnnnnnnnd she just said she is falling in love with him. Fuggin Bitch. I hope they get naked and she sees he has a little weiner and fly’s back to Sacramento.
Andi’s Date-

Andi looks amazing too. I think she is still pretty but I don’t see them together. Rule #1, Never high five a woman.
LMAO. Andi just asked the little kid whats your favorite drink in the whole world….hahahaha. I cant imagine this 4 year old is a world traveler at this point not to mention he lives on a small island and most likely will never leave….So coconut water is his answer Andi. The same shit he has been drinking everyday of his short life.
Andi is ridiculously gorgeous but such a dud. At least she said yes to the fantasy suite. I would hate for Juan Pablo to not have sex 3 nights in a row. Such a nice room. I wonder if it still smells like Clare’s sweaty bunn’s. Its cool how he is wearing the same thing in the morning. Walking around with the Dirty D. Hope he showered before he bones Nikki.
Wait….turn of events. Stand by………………….OH NOOOOOO. She couldn’t wait to get out of the suite? And she said he didn’t care about her past or her feelings and always turned it into him and his story. Was the last girl I dated in that fantasy suite too? Damn, everything Andi is saying makes complete sense. NOW I finally like her. Well way to go Juan stupid Pablo. Way to blow it. She called it perfectly I think.
The shots of her standing there looking upset are ultra dramatic. Good work ABC.
Nikki’s Date-
Damn Nikki. Thanks for pulling your boobs out so soon. She is not fukin around tonight. I’m torn now because I don’t want Nikki or Clare to be with him now after hearing Andi. I hate him more now. I am so glad she finally took those hideous pants off. What the shit were those all about? If you own those throw them out now.
Does a woman want to be told she is cute? I wouldn’t think so but that’s just me. Shit. Maybe that’s why I am single. I throw words around like Pretty, Beautiful, gorgeous etc.
Video message. Its about to go down…..Andi is pissed. Probably because she just had to walk a mile to get to him. She couldnt get a ride? Rude.
It’s ok…..It’s ok.
OMG I hate this guy so much right now. Why do we out source our talent these days? He is clueless. Absolutely clueless. Either he doesn’t understand the english language or is just an asshole.
“What my religion?”…..Catholic……(silence) What an idiot. That poor poor guy. He doesnt even get it. Andi is right.
Ladies and gentlemen our newest Bachelorette, Andi.
Clare looks amazing once again in the pink and black dress. Super hot. And did I mention I love stripes? haha. Nikki looks gorgeous too. I want to lick Clare’s boob glisten.
So here’s the thing. If you put 1 guy in a room with 20 women, they are all going to fight for his attention. He might not even be that good looking but its a natural thing to compete and they start to make it a competition and not about finding love. It wasnt as dramatic as I expected but I am glad Andi left. I think she called it right.
thoughts?????

The Bachelor-Week 8

Well now that the Olympics are officially over I can now focus back on this Venezuelan fuck! I have to say I am very proud of the United States Team and our country. They did really well and it was so exciting to watch. I hope you all took part in cheering on our athletes. Going to an Olympics is now on my bucket list…..Right under getting called “child” from an old southern black woman….Its a real list and that is really on there. I promise. 

 
Ok well lets see what kind of trouble we are in for this week. After watching 2 minute preview it looks like shit is going down! Finally. Something to talk about.
 
Nikki’s Hometown-
Can someone remind me again why Nikki is single? She is very attractive so to me that means something is automatically wrong with her. If I ran into Nikki at the mall or something this poor little thing wouldn’t know what hit her. Shes hot! I could fake an accent if thats what she is into. Its my Australian/Irish/British/Kentucky accent. They all sound the same for some reason. Go figure. 
 
Nikki just said “lets see how cowboy Juan Pablo really is”….Spoiler alert Nikki….He is a soccer player who lives in Me-yam-mee. He is zero cowboy and I don’t want to have to rewind this but did JP just say that he never had BBQ? Way to pick’ em ABC. BBQ and Beers? Her body says otherwise…..
 
I always think its the funniest thing ever when they finally get to go home and see their families they run in all hysterical and hug like its been 24 years since they have seen them. I would walk in all calm and be like “What up Ma? Then greet her with a fist pump n shit……JK. But I wouldn’t hug her like I didn’t just talk to her 2 days ago. Nikki and her mom hugged for like 2 minutes and why is everyone’s house so nice? Mine would be dogs running around barking and kids screaming. Oh so that’s cool. Nikki’s mom is like 41. She looks pretty young to me. Maybe because my mom is hella old. Love you Ma…..
 
Nikki’s dad looks like Ray Liotta from Goodfellas but like 40 pounds heavier. Damn, This guy seems like to perfect dad. Did I mention I have dad issues. Fuck dads.
 
This bitch chickened out on saying I love you to JP…..Real quick, I one time told a girl “I love you” for the first time and she didn’t say anything back….And I had to drive home 3.5 hours……..Can you imagine what my drive home was like? Ya, it sucked a fat one. Anyway she said it didn’t seem right so props to her for waiting plus he is probably going to dump her ass any day now.
 
Andi’s Hometown-
Andi is very pretty but I think she lacks confidence or something. I would think the opposite with her being a lawyer.
 
“You made me doing crazy things like soccer”……….Ummm what? since when is soccer crazy? My niece is 5 and plays soccer but I’m not about to check her mental stability just yet.
 
This bitch calling out JP’s misses at the gun range. hahahaha. What a hoe. “Welcome home Pookie” hahaha. Pookie sounds like a drug dealers name. Her dad is going to eat him alive. He is NOT stoked about Juan Pablo. If we learned anything this season its that Andi still can’t dance to save her life. Im not getting a good vibe from her family and nothing is really worth talking about….
 
Renee’s Hometown-
“I’m going to literally eat my son when I see him”….Well that’s gross. She hasn’t seen her boy for 2 months? How sad. I’m not a parent but I couldn’t imagine. Kinda teared up for a sec when she was holding him. Sweet moment….HOLD UP. I just thought of something. There must be plenty of single dads at the ball park and how is Renee single? She is a nice, pretty girl. I don’t like how she does her mascara though. yuck. Her family seems really sweet though and down to earth.
 
So no one is wanting to say I love you so far. Are all of these relationships garbage?
 
Clare’s Hometown-
WESSSSTTTT SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEE(Ice cube yelling). Sacramento, my states capital and my 2nd home. My sister lives there and I am there a lot. Im pretty sure I am going to stalk Clare’s hair salon and try to get a trim and a BJ. She looks amazing! I love her even if JP doesn’t. Where is that park? I must find it. 
 
OMG. I’m about to cry with her talking about her dad. How sad is that? Wait…..Hold up….(rewind)….Phew…I thought this clown was wearing Croc’s. I was ready to lose my shit people. Does Clare and her sisters have the same mom and dad? There is one sister that looks a little similar but other than that, I don’t see it. They talk the same though. Speaking of does Clare’s mom speak? Is she a mute? Her mom is getting Punked by the one daughter. She is a straight up Bitch. But hey, someones gotta speak for that little old lady because she ain’t said shit since she’s been there…..Oh so she does talk but its in spanish. Hahahah. This is hilarious to me. Well fuck. Now she is speaking English and I don’t understand it either. Hearing Clare’s mom and JP speak together I would “es’pect” more sub titles because I don’t have a clue what they are saying.
 
I’m in love with Clare. She is amazing and I want babies with her.
 
Rose Ceremony-
Clare, Once again comes flying out of the hotel is a super hot pink dress looking fab. Still love her. Nikki looks good too. I love black and white. I love stripes too in case you are taking notes.
 
Awwww poor Renee. She really liked him. 
 
So this night I thought was going to be super dramatic but it wasn’t. Tomorrows  looks crazy. I swear in the preview he says “you barely made it here”…Now this fools is talking shit to the girls???
 
LMAO…hahahah. The bird just dropped a sandwich on Renee’s head. (rewind). Yep, it was a sandwich. Hilarious.
 
Your moms.

Olympic Hangover

Sorry to the 3 people following me for not keeping my page updated during this past week. I have been so preoccupied with the Olympics its not even funny. I am pretty bummed they are officially over. Now what am I going to do with my time? I guess I will just have to keep watching American Idol, Amazing race, workaholics, Nashville, Vanderpump Rules, Brooklyn Nine Nine, The Bachelor, The Voice, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, Survivor, Toned up, Gold Rush, Shark Tank, The Walking Dead, Golf, Hockey(Sharks), Baseball(Giants), The Real Housewives, KUWTK, Shahs of Sunset, Well pretty much anything on Bravo and Pawn Stars. I’m going to be so bored. Fuck, I watch way too much tv. Anyways congratulation to the USA team and the rest of the world. Thank you for an exciting two weeks. If anyone out there knows where I can get a Gracie Gold Magnet for my fridge or maybe a Gracie Gold key chain I would love to know. She is adorbs.

Ok so starting tomorrow I can getting my lazy ass back to the gym. I have a very obsessive personality so once I commit to something I go 110%. I need to get this body pool party ready Summer is just around the corner my friends. I will have to go a minimum 5 times a week and I think I will try to jog every other day as well. Im getting fat and no one is trying to hook up with a fat guy….Unless your a fat girl and if thats the case I dont hook up with fat girls so dont even bother.

ok quick recap of my week…. Lets see here…..hmmm

Last Sunday a local brewery, Russian River releases this beer that only out twice a year. Pliny the Younger. Its amazing and people wait in line for up to 8-10 hours just to get in the door. Would I do that? Hell no! I know of a handful of places in the bay area that have a keg so I decided to try my luck and get some. I had it last year and by far it was the best beer I have tasted. So sunday morning comes around and I call my friends to see who wants to try and grab a glass with me…No one is available so I say Fuck it…I actually said that out loud which was weird because I was home alone. So I decided to drive by this place solo and saw only about 15 people in line which was amazing. I knew I wanted to try it so I waited for 2 hours. they only gave out about 65 glasses or so…I was number 32 in line. Threw my Beats Studios on and sat like a hipster waiting in line for beer….My mom would be so proud. Finally they opened and I got in a got a beer. It was $10 for a 9 ounce pour. Not bad considering. I got my beer( and another full pint of another). Dont judge me. daddy likes his alcohol. Anyways I sat at the one seat open at the bar, yes alone and sat and stared at the beer. Smelled it, looked at it and finally tasted it after waiting 1 full year…..Holy fuck it was strong. I dont know if it was because I had nothing in my stomach and it was 1pm or I was just being a bitch. But it was hella alcoholy. Thats a word I think. I didnt really enjoy it that much and realized I was just a part of the hype that makes it popular. What a disappointment but either way I was drinking at 1 so it wasnt too bad. I chatted with the people around me for a bit and enjoyed my drinks the best that I could. I finally had a solid buzz going on so I decided to go to this other bar where my friends were to have another drink. Drank a beer then went to lunch and had another beer there. My other friend, I have a lot of friends, was down the street at another bar. We have a lot of bars too. I met them and from there it was all down hill. Pretty much was a shit show from that point on. I think I am going to quit drinking for a while especially since I get the worst hangovers of anyone on this planet. Im too old for this shit. I dont know moderations. Once I have a drink everything is a good idea. So once I start the gym tomorrow I am quiting drinking….Well not fully but no more craft beers or hard shit. It kills me. Its got to be a big occasion for me to booze from now on(FYI I say this about twice a week). I think I will only drink light beers or something chill. Sorry, this is just me trying to prove to myself I dont need booze to have a good time. But I am fun when I drink and everyone likes me….

The next night, Monday it was poker night with the guys. I am in a league where we play monthly for 6 months for points. I won last season and won $600 for the season. There is a nightly pot too. Anyways of course I am with the fellas so I have a few drinks even though I didnt want to. I hate myself at this point. Oh and I lost and still had to go home and watch the Bachelor so I could post my weekly recap.

Tuesday I dont think I did shit. Sat on my ass and didnt drink.

Wednesday I went to dinner with a friend and wouldnt you know it!!!! drink! 

Thursday and Friday I was too tired from work so I just watched more Olympics.

Saturday I had errands to run and my friend from work text me to meet at a local restaurant where they are known for having drinks that put you on your ass. I said I will come meet for 1 beer……Well 4 beers later I decided to go home since I was golfing in the morning. I got home and went to dinner with my roommate and his kids to a brewery down the street. I didnt drink. did you hear me? I DIDNT DRINK. Proud moment but I did eat like a fat ass pig.

So this morning I woke up feeling good and got ready to golf. Drove me and my friend to Oakland to some golf course I had never been to. We were supposed to meet another buddy and his uncle. Both Canadians. So We walk into the clubhouse, First time I have ever seen a couple of ‘brothas’ working the front desk. I tell him that I had a tee time at 10:18 and he cant find our name….He says ” are you sure you are at the right place?”….1-Im not not fukin stupid and 2-read number 1 again. I look at my buddy real quick like ” is this guy kidding me?”…And I say this is a bowling alley right?…..He says ” I dont get it”….I say nevermind and walk out to call my other friend who I was meeting. Long story short we were at the wrong course. Great. So we drive about 5 minutes and find the course. Shittiest course i have ever seen. Like zero grass and it was like playing in Kuwait or something dirty as fuk. I started off horrible and ended up playing the best I have ever played. Shot an 85 which is amazing to me. No other exciting news to report.

So with the closing of the Olympics its bitter sweet. Its the end of another major sporting event but reality is setting in that I now have to commit to the gym and stop drinking. I am looking forward to getting into my gym routine and getting fit. I just need some motivation. Usually buying shoes, or gym clothes helps. 

So thats how my week went down….OHHHH and to top it all off I drove to like 8 places on Saturday to try and find this wax I use for my legs. Haha. I dont mind saying that because no one reads this. Yes, I wax my legs. I always have and I like it so kiss my gritz. So until I find it I am going to have to wear pants to the gym…FUK. If you read this far then you deserve to hear my secret.

Everyone enjoy their week and look forward to my 2 night recap of the Bachelor. Its going to be a good one

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The Bachelor-Week 7

I hope everyone had a nice long weekend….I sure did. I still kinda have the shakes from drinking too much but what else is new….

Damn! Is it already week 7? Time flies when you dont give a shit about Juan fuggin Pablo. I wonder what he can do this week to get on my nerves…..Lets find out, Shall we?

Welcome to Miami everyone. I’ve never been there but I am pretty sure I would be thrown out of Florida for having the most fun allowed there. Hey, Uncle Dave loves the kids but is it me or does Camilla have the most annoying voice ever? It like bothers me….ugh. But on the other hand Clare looks smoking hot still so I guess I will watch this episode.
JP. Kudos for buying the ladies bikinis. Best thing he has done for the male viewers this whole season.
By the way JP just said Sharleen “was an Oprah singer”…..I’m sorry what the fuck does that mean? Lost in translation once again bud….The bachelors don’t even need to be American born anymore you just need have a wide variety of vneck shirts in many bright colors. And why did Sharleen act like an idiot when she handed him the date card? I really like her hair though. In case people were not aware I love hair. I couldnt begin to tell you why. I think I should have been a hairstylist in another life but a straight one of course…Anyone needs a cut and color holler at your boy…….Ok ten minute clip of them kissing isnt needed. Thank you.
I do NOT like her red bikini thing. It looks good from the back and then the front is hella busy. I don’t understand her….She talks so much shit about him and how things arent working but when they are together she is all about him. Chalk that up to me not understanding women whatsoever. I kinda like her cream dress and I think she looks pretty tonight. god I hope they don’t kiss…..Crap, too late. I don’t get these two at all……I’m so over both of them. What an indecisive bitch…..Allow me to decide for you. GOOOOOO!
Nikki date- She is such a cutie but she is ready to shit herself. She seems soooo nervous to meet the family and Camilla. Its a little too soon if you ask me. Hope she doesnt choke. Holy Shit. Is that JP’s ex? She is hot! I wonder what he did to screw that relationship up. All you internet stalker find out for me. I need deet’s.
Nikki has got a smoking hot body. Note to self. If I ever hang out with a woman and her shirt is barely clinging to her boobs, take her to go play catch. How is her boobs not popping out left and right?  Tape? Glue? Whatever it is I wish there was less of it? Either was she is very pretty.
So Sharleen is going to quit and give up? Her saying she isn’t feeling it is a lie. I think the more she gets attached to him to more she is scared he wont pick her. She is this seasons “I’m going to bail before he lets me go” girl. And why the hell is she whispering? If I wanted to read a bunch of subtitles I would watch Juan Pablo’s interviews again. Spoiler alert Sharleen. We can still here even when you whisper. You ain’t Batman. Speak up bitch. JP has his hand all over her face like he is trying to Palm a basketball. Gross. Don’t touch everyone’s faces so much.
And now this fool is crying…This guy cries more than the ladies do. I’m not buying it homie.
Group Date- Bikini day. Everyone shut up and let me focus…sssshhhh
Chelsea. Oh, cool. You brought letters from your mom on the group date. Lets read them all.
Mom-2 Drink Max and keep your clothes on
Dad- Do the opposite of what your mom says. Hahaha.
Clares true colors are coming out. She is talking shit about Andi getting the rose. This is about to get ugly. Andi is killing that red dress. I approve for sure. I think I am attracted to all the girls except Renee at this point.  Anyone know who that dude is singing? I sure don’t just some cholo probably.
These bitches are being such bitches. They are seriously arguing about who paid for the suite? Who’s space is who’s? Get real people. They have to know that there is going to be mad jealousy and they should be friends after a certain amount of episodes.I am really struggling to find something to say this week. The only thing I am focused on is Nikkis bright pink dress. She looks amazing in it.
And begin the Awkward silence segment…10 seconds, 20 seconds, 30 seconds….We get it. Show something else now. Thank god Andi is walking up now because its making me uncomfortable and I’m not even there. I am at home in my “Pee-Yam-aahhs”.
And Chelsea is outta there. Poor thing. She didnt see that coming I dont think…I sure did. And here come the tears.
Sorry for the extremely boring recap I just wasnt feeling it this week. Its so much easier when all the girls are psycho and when there are more of them. Well with that being said next weeks double episode looks like its jammed full of crazy. I cant wait for that one.
Next week I will for sure get a good buzz going before I decide to write. I couldnt do it tonight. I am done drinking for the week. Blah.
Well I hope everyone has a fantastic week and I look forward to sending 2 next week.
Nighty Nite ya’ll

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The Bachelor-Week 6 buzzed recap

Who is ready to hate on a bunch of spoiled bitches who are fighting over a stupid loser? I sure am.

Happy Monday everyone. Did anyone elses day suck ball sacks or just mine? I cannot catch a break these days. I need a vacation.
Anyways, Lets get to the episode….
New Zealand
Juan Pablo just said when he was sitting in the sea plane like a loner that he is ready to take it to the next level….What next level? Hey JP….Remember when you took it to the next level last week in the ocean and then made Clare cry about it? Smooth move “playa”.
The girls walking into a new suite every week-“OH my goooood its so pretty. Look they have curtains….Look at this bed..OMG a fireplace.”
 Im not sure where most of you live out there but I fukin have curtains and a bed…..and I’m a guy. Big whoop right? I bet all those places they go look like your houses. Im doing my Mckala Maroney Not Impressed Look In the spirit of the Olympics of course.
Clare is just dying to get boned. There is mad sexual tension between us right now. I am sure her little gold brick necklace is something nice and fancy but It always reminds me something a rapper would wear. 2 chainz?
“Hey do you want to go on the bachelor and sit around a fire and cry about our kids together?” “lets do it girl”……Get in a bikini and shut up already.
Andi’s Juan on Juan date-
Her insecurities are so attractive…….Guys hella like that for the record.
Oh look, Andi’s mom showed up to the date….Wait. This just in. Andi is wearing a one piece. She has a killer bod though doesn’t she?….How am I supposed to talk shit about her boring personality and her sense of style at the same time? Watch me. I bet that geyser they are having dinner next to probably stinks. I dont know why I think that.
Andi-“The geyser goes off and we were soaking wet and so unexpected”………Unexpected? Am I the only one who knew it was going to go off? Its a geyser dummies. That’s what it does. Hey next time let have dinner next to a hungry pack of lions. I hope they don’t take our food and kill us. It would be so unexpected.
Andi-“The geyser completely ruined our dinner”…..Ya that’s why we don’t eat by geysers idiots.
Clare Bear. She likes when I call her that actually. Why is she surprised she got the next Juan on Juan? He fucked once why wouldn’t he go in for 2nd’s? I sure would.
I wish he would learn to say the word accept. I thought this was an American show? If they replace Chris Harrison with a British host I’m outta here for good. I dont even know if he said his group date was in for “prizes” or “surprises”
Bikinis in the clear ball thing….Wait. I’ve had this dream before. Or maybe it was clear bikinis and something that had to do with balls……I forget. Sharleens Bikini is hideous.
Ok so the dates being in the hobbit house from The Lord of The Rings…..That’s pretty rad. Does Harry Potter really live there?
JP was totally making out with Sharleen and tickeled her jawbone…I haven’t seen that movie since the summer of 87. Pretty cool how she asks right after “what do you think Im thinking?”…….Ladies. Don’t do that shit. We never fuckin know and 47% of the time we don’t care as long as you leave us alone.
Cassandra is pretty hot. I like her. OHHHH NOOOO. This fool is letting her go? I feel so bad for her actually but on the other hand she has the sickest story ever to tell.
“so what did you do on your 22nd birthday?”….Oh well I got dumped on the TV show The Bachelor at the mutha fucking Hobbit house. Top that bitches!
Juan Pablo just walked in the hobbit house and didn’t even wipe his feet. That’s disrespectful to the shire. Watch yourself JP that’s all I gotta say.
Clares Juan on Juan date- I love her. She is so pretty. I hope he dumps her so I can go to Sacramento to stalk her full time. Maybe JP should take her on a date to a nice spot on a pile of rocks that’s really uncomfortable. That would make up for it. Clare wants to get Fucked so bad. I would totally watch. Not like watch watch but like I would hold the camera. Sweats? what the shit is that move? Dude couldnt find a spare pair of yoga pants up in this bitch? Or maybe its easier for his to get an over the pants handy in sweats…..then actually it was a great move my friend.
Cocktail/Rose Ceremony-
Everyone get their last minute insecurities in so we can all judge before we talk shit about your Rose Ceremony Dresses.
Oh hey Kat. Forgot you were here. Where has she been hiding? Well since you are limited time with JP lets talk about your daddy issues.
Kat you dumb bitch. The kiss of death. You sat and said I think Chelsea is going home…I knew the second you said that it was you….FUCK. She was my girl in the pool #michellespoolparty She is still hot anyways…..I didnt even need that $10 anyways so whatever……FUCK! Well keep your head up Kat. At least you have huge boobs whatever thats worth.
Why is he throwing sheep shit at the ladies? Does that actually work?
Alright kiddos I have to get ready for bed. Another shitty day ahead of me. I hope everyone has an amazing week.
Go USA