Chrisharrison

The Bachelorette- Week 2

Happy Monday everyone and I hope you all had a nice relaxing 3 day weekend. Thank you to all the men and women in the service fighting for us and their families. We appreciate it.

 
Before I get started I wanted to let everyone know that I will be on vacation next Monday and will not be giving you all my 2 cents. I am headed to San Diego to visit some family and then heading to Palm Springs for 3 days of golf. So stoked. Its by far my favorite thing to do all year……But wait! I have planned ahead. Since I wont be watching the show and talking shit I have asked someone to fill in for me. She shall remain nameless and you will just have to wait and see who it is. 
 
Ok, lets see what this bitch gets herself into this week……
 
So the guys are now in the mansion. It looks like a damn H&M model shoot.
 
Eric gets the first one on one date. Shit, this is hard. Tough knowing this guy looks happy but I know he is no longer with us….How sad.Kinda like watching the Tupac or Michael Jackson Hologram. 
 
Eric “whats this place called?”
Andi “This place is called the beach”
 
What a fuggin bitch. Obviously its the beach dummy but what are we doing here? (is what he should have said)
 
Oh snap! Andi is actually wearing a bikini….and wearing it well. Special note to the camera crew though when they are doing sand angels take it from a different angle where you are not all up in her V zone. Oh cool….a helicopter ride. How unexpected. Hopefully Eric never watched this show before because 9 times out of 10 you get to ride in a chopper. Not that special…..Oh…Louie vitto. Now that pretty cool. That kid is pretty dope.
 
I would like to go on record and say that thats NOT snowboarding! She was wearing snowboarding gear and standing with a board on her feet. Hot cocoa and sitting on a sled on more her style. 
 
Ok, I have caught on to Andi’s “thing”….She says “stop” a lot. Kinda like how when you tell a story and someone says ‘shut up”….They dont want you to shut up, they just mean ” Noooo Waaaaay”….Ya, she does that.
 
Fuck. Eric seems like a pretty good guy. Did I just hear him say he roasted marshmellows over a volcano? I think I would have a hard time being with someone that has done almost everything humanly possible. 
 
Group Date time. Lets bare our souls. Oh crap….here we go. Male exotic dancing? Uhhhhh gross. I wonder what else is on…..
 
Craig is annoying as ever. I dont like this guy. Is he always drunk?
My boy Chris the golfer is the gay robot. Haha. Classic. Nice thong homie Hahah.
Cody is a shit bag. Arrogant asshole. Yes we all know you work out. Fag.
Pretty sure Chris Harrison smacked one of the guys asses.
Why does Brian have a black eye? Did I miss something?
 
Glad that is over but I have a feeling I was the only one who did NOT enjoy that scene. I want to hear what you all thought….Bunch’a hoochies.
 
Damn. Andi looks hot in that black dress and when I say Andi I mean her boobs are pretty much calling my name. #FanOfTheBoobGlisten
 
Craig is obviously the town drunk and he is becoming fun to watch….Although I am sure he is going home very soon. Dude is ripped. haha. “whats the worst thing about your parents?” LMAO.hahahahaha. I am actually laughing and crying. How funny is that? I want to party with him kinda.
 
Get over it Andi. So he had too much to drink. Everyone is out of their element and alcohol helps people let loose. He just went to far….BUT We all know thats how he is all the time. She is taking it as a personal attack on her process to find true love on TV with 25 guys with a countless amount of money to spend. Because thats normal. I think she needs to have a few cocktails and re-fukin-lax herself……….
 
Well hopefully Chris has a nice date with her. So who does everyone think is the front runner so far?
 
Santa Anita horse track is fun. I have been there before. Its exciting even when you only bet a couple of bucks. How is Chris gonna come out looking like Pee Wee though? Ugh. I am not a fan of the bow tie. Let that trend go fellas. 
 
“You just kinda know, you know”….I couldnt have said it better myself old lady. 
 
Wait I thought Andi had one last surprise for Chris. Ummmm A private concert? Thats not a surprise. We all knew it was coming since it happens every season. WOW. the first kiss was the real surprise if you ask me. I didnt think that was going to happen. City lawyer and farmer scare me a bit. I dont think he could keep up with her life style. Curious to see how that pans out. I like his hair.
 
Sock puppets behind the couch…..Check please.
 
Ok, So I am about to let you all in on a secret. All of these guys are acting like perfect gentlemen because they havent slept with her yet. Thats what we do. This is why I dont like the Bachelorette as much as the Bachelor. The guys are playing to win. They are all there to beat the other guys. Andi is the first place trophy and its not as genuine as 1 guy and a bunch of women. Women are more honest. There, I said it…  
 
Breaking news: This just in. Craig cant sing for shit. Now back to our show.
 
Well FUCK! My guy Nick S. is out. Bye Bye $10. Shit.
 
Ok so I guess the Bachelorette is on twice next week. My replacement is going to have her work cut out for her. Haha. Nothing like a double header to get your feet wet. 
 
Another episode is come and gone and not too much excitement just yet. I can say that I am starting to like some of the dudes now. Usually I hate them all for at least 3-4 episodes but some of them are stepping it up. 
 
Who does everyone like so far? Who does everyone think is hot? Who do you see ending up with Andi? Is it too early?
 
I want to know so send some feedback when you cant. 
 
I hope everyone has a good night out there in internet land. Dont miss me too much next week.
 
 
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The Bachelorette-Week 1

**Warning: If you have not watched Monday nights episode do not read this……

 
Whats up y’all? FUCK…..I’ve been chatting with too many people from Texas lately. 

 
Happy first episode everyone and welcome to all the new people. My name is Dave and I am a closet Bachelor/ette fan and if you know anyone that I know(excluding this group) and you tell them what I do, I will never like another picture of your kids first day of school again! Got it? This is a fun interactive group where we can share our opinions and thoughts of the show. This is not about me and what I think. We all have opinions so share them with us. It makes it fun to read what everyone is saying and cool to know what everyone is thinking. I hope you all are not easily offended because I tend to say whatever I want to. If you are offended please message me privately that way I can be sure to take you off my friends list and talk hella shit behind your back to all the “fun” people in the group. Dont make me be that person please…..
 
One last thing. If this email doesn’t make sense its mostly because its just a list of my thoughts and not a well written recap. If that is what you are looking for……write one.
 
Seriously starting now. No better way then to kick off the season with a memorial tribute. Shout out to my man Eric Hill 1982-2014. Its really sad that he has passed but even more sad for me that I haven’t been to one place from his picture montage……
 
How do I feel about Andi you ask? Well for starters she is very pretty and I love how smart and educated she is. Plus she has a killer bod but if she rocks the one piece swim suit this season lord knows I’m gonna talk about it. I cant even say Bikini I have to say swim suit. Lame.
 
I dont get it. How is this chick single? She shouldnt need to go on TV to find some random dude. 
 
Ok this is my fav part where I get to judge them coming out of the limo. I pray to god that someone does a magic trick. Pleeeeeease(fingers crossed)
 
The driveway is looking particularly slick this evening.
 
Marcus- Good looking guy actually. I dont usually tell a woman I have a lot to offer in the 2nd sentence when I meet her but maybe thats why I’m single….
Chris- Fuck. another good looking dude but he has a weird upper lip thing happening and I swore he had an irish accent……But I guess he couldnt being from Iowa. Matthew McCanaughey?
JJ- Ummmmm This guy is screaming Pee Wee Herman. Does his bow tie spin? “Im a loner Dottie, a rebel”…….Dont steal his bike.
Marquel- Usually the black dudes are just fillers to make the network happy but this guy has promise. Plus I think I have the same shirt as him. 
Tasos. Why dont you pull your shoes up kid…Where is the flood. Sweet earrings bro…Ladies and gentleman we have our first gimmick. 
Cody- Well thanks for playing Cody now go ahead and push that limo back to the airport with your bags in it please. The first time I see a guy wearing his collar up on his suit is the last time I visit Jersey shore.
Steven- He said stoked….dead give away for a Cali kid. Shit. I say that all the time. “stoked to meet you”. I’m stoked about that.
Rudie- This fukin guy is stiff! Way to go in for the hand shake guy. Attorneys need to loosen up a bit. “Fun attorney humor”……Did I miss the fun? Neeeext
Carl- Fire fighter. Locked it up
Jason- He is a doctor? Diagnosis is that she is really hot………All that time spent in med school took away from being in front of real humans and talking to real women. That’s my diagnosis. Corny jokes? he must be a pediatrician. Cool hair buddy.
Nick V.- This guy seems like a hit at the bars. I see a lot of myself in him. Wait. what?………..
Dylan- Nervous guy but I bet the ladies love him already. Who’s everyone’s favs?
Patrick- Oh you play soccer? Never would have guessed. 
Emil- This guy looks creepy. “ANAL WITH AN M” lmao. hahahaha. Winner right there.
Brett- Kinda jelly he is a hair stylist but not jelly that he brought a lamp. Hi, I’m a thief, would you like to date me?
Craig- Holy shit the second I saw his face I thought this was a party guy and BAM! Fool starts spraying the driveway like he is fuggin Lil Jon at the club. I’m a hugger too Craig. He won the most awkward hug award.
Ron- He seems way too uptight. 
Bradley- Opera singer? Bye. Not to mention he is not good looking. he kicked rocks literally
Josh- I think she is going to like this guy for some reason. Seems normal.
Nick S.- LMAO…You better believe my boy Nick the golfer just rolled up in a golf cart. hahahaha. Tigah tigah woods y’aaaalllllll. Us golfers love to blow kisses too FYI. #getsome
Brian- The first thing I noticed was his crooked ass tie and THAT’S what he brings up first?
Andrew- Seems a little nerdy for her taste but who knows.
Mike- How much weed is this guy on? Pretend all you want my friend but you did in fact just jump out of a limo and this is not a natural setting and if it was you would never talk to someone as hot as her. Camps? I bet he was in a fun frat.
Eric- I cant even look at this guy now and not be sad…..Just me? Awww I like this guy. Spoiler alert…….
Josh- He is already talking about being in her backyard….ummm. A little forward don’t you think? Keep it in your pants please. ATL
 
My man Marquel is like a cookie pro or something? Arent we all? This guy pulled out the black and white cookie….hahahahahahahahah. Yahtzeeeeeee. Point taken.
 
Please please please tell me that Chris isnt trying to crash the party….This is hilarious. This guy wanted to meet her so bad that he couldnt call her on the off season instead waited for the cameras to start rolling to show up? Typical LA
 
Anyone NOT seen Frozen? That movie is dope but if I have to hear that song one more time I am going to kill someone.
 
Wait….Are these guys gay? Not that I would know but they seem a little gay to me.
 
Steven just said it was Rad to meet all the guys….haha. I like this kid.
 
Andi has a little ghetto side to her I can tell. She gets talking to someone and a different side comes out of her.
 
Rose Ceremony-
BOOOM. My boy Nick S. pulled out the last rose like a legend! 
 
That one asshole, I dont even know his name is taking his rejection like a bitch. Class act. Go call your parents and tell them that you are a loser.
 
Ok everyone that is pretty much how my Monday nights are going down from here on out. Drama is on the way.
 
Everyone have a good night or enjoy your Tuesday morning.
 
Dave

The Bachelor-The Women Tell All…………

Whats up everyone? I hope you all had an amazing week and are braving the weather wherever you are……Its sprinkling right now in my hometown. I better hunker down and stock up on water and canned goods. 

 
How sad. This is almost the last time I get to write this season and The Women Tell All is my least favorite episode. All they do is sit around and talk shit about each other still like it even matters. I hope they throw JP under the bus hard. He is such a creepy asshole.
 
I can never find anything to say about these shows since the shit talking is already being done for me…..BUT in the spirit of the Oscars last night maybe I should talk about how everyone looks and what they are wearing…..Oh Shit! If that wasn’t the gayest thing that I ever said than I don’t know what is…….#gayness
 
Ok, Right off the bat I am reminded that I never watched the Sean and Catherine wedding. I think I am ok with that(its still on my DVR though).
 
HAHAHAHA. Catherine said “Quick Fireworks” so awesome. What does she expect a super slow romantic sex sesh? If they never slept together before its gonna be quick. Trust me. He should have squeezed a quick one off before so he could last longer….Such a rookie move.
 
The fuck is this Muppets Bullshit all about.
 
Kelly-I’m glad this bitch brought her dog again. What a dumbass. her lazy eye still bothers me for the record and I am glad a friendly tribe of indians beaded her dress for her.
 
Andi looks amazing and I love her teal dress. Good color for her. She is very pretty.
 
They keep showing a chicks legs but I cant see who it is. She has cellulite…..Cellulite looks better tan 😉
 
My girl Kat is running the show so far. She is good looking to. I always liked her….Plus her boobs are extremely large. I like her hair off to one side. Thats a cute look.
 
Sharleen still looks like a raving bitch to me and I don’t like her still. She seems so uptight and I want to wrap her ear rings around her neck at this point. She is just awkward. 
 
I cant even comment on anyones dress because they only show the girls for like a second each. Renee’s dress is a little boring. That little slut! JK. She is already in a situation? Stoked for her because she deserves someone who is going to be good to her. Lucky guy.
 
Andi faked sleep? Thats not what I thought she was going to fake in the fantasy suite. I love andi. She is gorgeous. I know a lot of you dont care for her but I hope she is the next Bachelorette.
 
Ohhhhh. It was Lauren H’s leg. She looks like Mary Murphy from “so you think you can dance” but with a fatter leg. 
 
I really like how Andi got her points across. Such a lady about it all, but I really liked the points Sharleen made as well. 
 
I couldnt even comment on the dresses because all I saw was a bunch of knee caps. Couple of hot legs and a couple of bad ones. Well this episode was a dud but hopefully next weeks looks pretty crazy. I hope they both bail on his dumb ass.
 
Alright everyone I will talk to you soon.

The Bachelor-Week 6 buzzed recap

Who is ready to hate on a bunch of spoiled bitches who are fighting over a stupid loser? I sure am.

Happy Monday everyone. Did anyone elses day suck ball sacks or just mine? I cannot catch a break these days. I need a vacation.
Anyways, Lets get to the episode….
New Zealand
Juan Pablo just said when he was sitting in the sea plane like a loner that he is ready to take it to the next level….What next level? Hey JP….Remember when you took it to the next level last week in the ocean and then made Clare cry about it? Smooth move “playa”.
The girls walking into a new suite every week-“OH my goooood its so pretty. Look they have curtains….Look at this bed..OMG a fireplace.”
 Im not sure where most of you live out there but I fukin have curtains and a bed…..and I’m a guy. Big whoop right? I bet all those places they go look like your houses. Im doing my Mckala Maroney Not Impressed Look In the spirit of the Olympics of course.
Clare is just dying to get boned. There is mad sexual tension between us right now. I am sure her little gold brick necklace is something nice and fancy but It always reminds me something a rapper would wear. 2 chainz?
“Hey do you want to go on the bachelor and sit around a fire and cry about our kids together?” “lets do it girl”……Get in a bikini and shut up already.
Andi’s Juan on Juan date-
Her insecurities are so attractive…….Guys hella like that for the record.
Oh look, Andi’s mom showed up to the date….Wait. This just in. Andi is wearing a one piece. She has a killer bod though doesn’t she?….How am I supposed to talk shit about her boring personality and her sense of style at the same time? Watch me. I bet that geyser they are having dinner next to probably stinks. I dont know why I think that.
Andi-“The geyser goes off and we were soaking wet and so unexpected”………Unexpected? Am I the only one who knew it was going to go off? Its a geyser dummies. That’s what it does. Hey next time let have dinner next to a hungry pack of lions. I hope they don’t take our food and kill us. It would be so unexpected.
Andi-“The geyser completely ruined our dinner”…..Ya that’s why we don’t eat by geysers idiots.
Clare Bear. She likes when I call her that actually. Why is she surprised she got the next Juan on Juan? He fucked once why wouldn’t he go in for 2nd’s? I sure would.
I wish he would learn to say the word accept. I thought this was an American show? If they replace Chris Harrison with a British host I’m outta here for good. I dont even know if he said his group date was in for “prizes” or “surprises”
Bikinis in the clear ball thing….Wait. I’ve had this dream before. Or maybe it was clear bikinis and something that had to do with balls……I forget. Sharleens Bikini is hideous.
Ok so the dates being in the hobbit house from The Lord of The Rings…..That’s pretty rad. Does Harry Potter really live there?
JP was totally making out with Sharleen and tickeled her jawbone…I haven’t seen that movie since the summer of 87. Pretty cool how she asks right after “what do you think Im thinking?”…….Ladies. Don’t do that shit. We never fuckin know and 47% of the time we don’t care as long as you leave us alone.
Cassandra is pretty hot. I like her. OHHHH NOOOO. This fool is letting her go? I feel so bad for her actually but on the other hand she has the sickest story ever to tell.
“so what did you do on your 22nd birthday?”….Oh well I got dumped on the TV show The Bachelor at the mutha fucking Hobbit house. Top that bitches!
Juan Pablo just walked in the hobbit house and didn’t even wipe his feet. That’s disrespectful to the shire. Watch yourself JP that’s all I gotta say.
Clares Juan on Juan date- I love her. She is so pretty. I hope he dumps her so I can go to Sacramento to stalk her full time. Maybe JP should take her on a date to a nice spot on a pile of rocks that’s really uncomfortable. That would make up for it. Clare wants to get Fucked so bad. I would totally watch. Not like watch watch but like I would hold the camera. Sweats? what the shit is that move? Dude couldnt find a spare pair of yoga pants up in this bitch? Or maybe its easier for his to get an over the pants handy in sweats…..then actually it was a great move my friend.
Cocktail/Rose Ceremony-
Everyone get their last minute insecurities in so we can all judge before we talk shit about your Rose Ceremony Dresses.
Oh hey Kat. Forgot you were here. Where has she been hiding? Well since you are limited time with JP lets talk about your daddy issues.
Kat you dumb bitch. The kiss of death. You sat and said I think Chelsea is going home…I knew the second you said that it was you….FUCK. She was my girl in the pool #michellespoolparty She is still hot anyways…..I didnt even need that $10 anyways so whatever……FUCK! Well keep your head up Kat. At least you have huge boobs whatever thats worth.
Why is he throwing sheep shit at the ladies? Does that actually work?
Alright kiddos I have to get ready for bed. Another shitty day ahead of me. I hope everyone has an amazing week.
Go USA