heart

I am alone…..I am not lonely. There is a difference.

I feel like lately a lot of people are asking me why I am single. At first I was kinda offended and it makes me feel like a loser. Its like asking a fat person why they are fat. Or a skinny person why they are skinny. I don’t need anyone pointing out the fact that I am single. I am well aware but I think I am a pretty good catch.Maybe I just don’t want to be caught. Am I the only one who feels like this? I sure hope not.

I guess the short answer is that I am scared. I have said this a million times but I don’t mind screwing up my own life but I would never want to screw up someone else’s. Especially if there are kids involved. I have been in some really good relationships in my life and suffered major heart break…..and this fuggin’ sucked so bad. I don’t think I am scared to be hurt, I think I am scared of hurting. There is something in my bones to where when times get tough I have no problem saying “Ok, that’s it!”….and then split. I cant describe it but its in me. And what if I was married and have kids? How could I do that to my family? Would I? I have no clue but I guess I don’t even want to have to find out the hard way. I guess the older that I get, the more I think. I don’t think 35 year old me thinks the same as 21 year old me but all I know is what I have done or experienced.

Do I just need to man up? I don’t want to date someone just to date them. I am NOT bored. I don’t want to dive into something unless there is immediate chemistry. Everyone, and I mean everyone thinks that I am picky but Fuk that! I have to be. I don’t want just anyone. I want the right one. When you know, you just know.

My favorite thing to tell people, especially my Mom is ” I am alone. I am not lonely. There is a difference.”

Please do not pity me. I am right where I need to be at this point in my life.

If you read this far, the highest of Fives!

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That one song………

Every now and again I hear a song and something about it just moves me. Is it the words? I dont know. Is it the music? I dont know. All that I know is that everything about it combined together just works for me. Love this song and band. Small group from New Zealand who are going to blow up one day and I thought I would spread the word before they do.

Broods. Check them out if you can.

Most amazing song. It really pulls on my heart stings, whatever that means. Your mom has heart strings.