Hella old

Quick story from the weekend.

My buddy and I went to a dive bar a few weeks back and played darts on one of their machines. We actually had a lot of fun doing it so we both we on eBay and bought a $10 set. Mostly because its fuckin’ impossible to find a matching set where the tips aren’t broken or bent. I just got mine in the mail and was stoked to go try them out. I live about 1 block from a super divey dive bar. Like when people talk about dive bars they are referring to this place. Extra gross and dirty and people are smashed at like 11am. How do I know that you ask? Its not important….back to the story. We had plans to go to a birthday dinner at 7 so we met over there at 5 to have a few pregame beers and throw a few darts. We immediately walk in to a couple of big guys trying to fight each other at the bar which I wanted no part of. I’m not a bitch but I wasn’t at that level yet where I felt I wanted to fight some random drunk guys…..yet. We set are darts and stuff on the table along with our 22oz Coors lights and started to play…Let me also throw out the fact that the UFC fights were on. Tough guys everywhere…. During the middle of one of our games I look back and two hella tough guys decided it would be a really good idea to start wrestling and knock our whole table down and send our beers smashing to the ground along with our dart shit! I wasn’t really worried since we weren’t with any girls….I don’t tolerate fighting when their are ladies with me or around us. Fuck that! So then the stop fighting and someone picks up the table and starts picking up the glass…..This is where it starts to get good……….

some girl starts yelling “hey you, buy these guys another round for knocking over their beers!”

The big drunk guy turns around and charges her and says “shut the fuck up bitch”. Well actually he said it right to my face since she decided to run from him and hide behind me.

In my mind I am thinking “ok, here we go” but he never looked at me. He was looking right at her the whole time. I thought for sure we were getting in a fight over a $4 Coors light. What would I tell me mom? 

and then BOOOOOM! out of no where a 67 year old lady steps in between us. How do I know she was 67? She came right out and said

“Hey you fucking assholes, get your fucking ass over here and pick up the god damn table before I wip out my tit and shove it up your ass. I’m 67 years old and I will fuck you up. And get these guys more drinks or I will kick your fuckin’ ass”……..This might be a good time to tell you all that while she was saying this she was flexing her right arm and made me and my friend feel her bicep. She looked like she had smoked since she was 14 and was about 1 cigarette away from smoking out of a stoma…….But damn did she have some guns. That lady probably saved me from getting into a fight I didn’t care to get into and I am glad she did because it made for a pretty funny story.

I won at darts. The lady wins at life

Your Mom is Buzzed!

I don’t care how old I get, Saying “Your Mom” after anything is going to be hilarious to me. Period. You will not ever change my mind on that no matter how stupid it sounds. I think that’s why it is so funny to me. It doesn’t make any sense.

“Damn, Its hella sunny out”

“your moms hella sunny out”



So last night my buddy called me up to go have dinner at my favorite restaurant and we sat and had a few pitchers of margaritas and great food. The waiter came up to the table after we were done and asked “who can I leave the bill with?”……My buzzed ass says ” with your mom”…hahahahahha….EVERYONE I was with thought it was hilarious but no one thought it was funnier than me. Did the waiter think it was funny? I’m pretty sure he didnt because he sat the bill down right in front of yours truly…..What a sense of humor this guy had. And who the hell asks who wants the bill anyways? Just set it down like every other waiter and let us fight over who wants to pretend to pay for it the most. Apparently I am no Meryl Streep because I ended up paying…..Jokes on me.

And because we were drinking cheap Tequila Margs all night I woke up at 5 with a crazy headache……Karma is a bitch.

Your moms a …………..Well you get the point.