juanpablo

The Bachelor-The Final Rose

 Season Recap: Juan Pablo is a ball sack. The end. Hahaha.

 
So according to the preview it looks as if this episode will not disappoint. Fingers crossed the shit hits the fan. Oh and I am not too happy with some of you who are posting on Facebook and Twitter and the Google Group already…..I’m getting all these notifications and I cant check it because I am sure they are spoilers. I will be sure to put you on blast tomorrow though so you still have time to delete it before I catch you……
 
Ok for starters I am glad JP is in another bright colored V-neck or I may have not recognized him. See everyone. Let this season be a lesson to you. You all thought he was attractive at the beginning and now we all hate him together. See what being a jerk can do to your over all appearance? 
 
Real quick did anyone else just almost swallow a prong from the plastic fork from their Panera salad?? No?……Just me.
 
Spoiler Alert. Clare looks amazing and I want her to be naked ASAP.
 
How was JP’s dad pushing in Clare’s chair for her and JP didnt? hmmmmm. Warning signs Girl…..Run! Whatever they are eating looks amazing. I want that. Just got back from the gym and want to eat….But duty calls. JP’s cousin mentioned she was “begging for it” and I agree. She is so hot but seems desperate at times. I don’t understand. Juan Pablo’s dad must have seen the “swim in the ocean” episode and is trying to get some ass from Clare too. hahaha. Dirty old man……but smart.
 
Ok, Commercial just came on and said ” if you want to date our next bachelor or Bachelorette please contact Blah Blah”….How the Fuk am I supposed to know if I want to date them without even knowing who it is? I can get a blind date tomorrow Chris Harrison. Who would sign up for that not knowing who you were going to date? Don’t you want to be attracted to that person first??? What the shit………
 
Nikki is so hot too but she always ruins it with doing something lame with her hair. She seems really nervous to meet the family. Def not as smooth as my Clare Bear.
 
So JP’s dad is practically throwing JP under the bus telling Nikki that he only worries about himself…..UMMM what? I’m not a woman but if I was and heard that, I would be out like Fred Flintstone sliding down that Dinosaur tail on his way to happy hour. That’s actually the exact opposite way you get a girl. I usually don’t them them I am selfish until about 8 months into it……………(JK) Single, remember?
 
Not 100% sure but I think Juan Pablo’s dad run an Opiate farm in Venezuela….He just looks like a boss!
 
Oh the one armed chick is in the audience….High Five Girl!
 
Clare’s yellow shorts need a haircut.
 
Wait….What the fuck just happened? What did he whisper to Clare??………….He whispered sexual, insulting things to her? Like what? “I feel like we don’t know each other”…Ok now this is getting good and no you may not have a kiss, Dick! Get away from my lady. What a fuggin asshole. This guy deserves no one. Not even the Hippie chick. His communication skills with woman are horrible and he is going to be single forever that rate he is going. 
 
How did Clare just get steam rolled by him right there? Is she stupid? She was upset and crying and didnt kiss him and like 3 sentences later she is ok with him again?
 
So are you all ready to talk about Nikki in that bikini? oh my gaaawad! Her boobs are staring at me and making me uncomfortable. Displaying photo.JPG
 
 
Hey JP. Nice anklet, Fag.
 
I dont think JP cares for either of them at this point. He is horrible at communication. Everything the ladies say or bring up he spins it around on him. And how he feels. America doesnt care how you feel Juan Pablo. We all feel for Nikki and Clare now. 
 
Wait, whats this? Is Nikki having a change of heart too? Anyone remember that show Change of Heart? That shit was bad ass.
Poor Nikki is crying. Speak. Tell us why and stop doing the ugly cry.
 
Clare and Nikki both look gorgeous. I’m into both of them if you didn’t know. I love Clare’s dress but I would love it more if it had two straps. I don’t like the one shoulder thing. She looks like Tarzan and her eye make up looks over done.
 
” I wish the earth sucked me”….The fuck does that mean JP?
 
Oh my God! He is saying bye to Clare? what an idiot. Why does he have that smirk on his face? Like he wants to laugh. Oh snap! Clare just told him like it was. Good for her. We have all been thinking the same thing. She is walking away and she knows she did the right thing. We all do. Good girl..
 
“Im glad I didnt pick her” Holy fuck. Is this guy serious? I didnt think it would get worse but he is pissing on his own grave if thats possible. Juan Pablo you are a straight up little boy. 
 
Oh Wow! My girl Kat in the audience is looking beautiful. I hope she is the next Bachelorette or that I run into her at a local bar and take her home…Either or.
 
Juan Pablo has the least amount of depth in a man that I have ever seen. The screening process for ABC has failed us all. 
 
So Juan Pablo didnt propose to anyone. This whole season was so at the end he could “like her a lot”? Rip Off..Booooooooo. Such a cop out. Hey lets fly you around the world on our dime so you can like someone at the end. That guy is such a fucker. I cant stand him.
 
After the Final Rose:
Awwww I love Clare. She is very well spoken and I really appreciate what she is saying.
 
So there was some big huge surprise that never happened. Did he chicken out? 
 
Oh damn. Nikki looks the best she ever has. Wow. She is killing that red dress. After He dumps her I hope she is the bachelorette. haha. She must feel like such a fool after watching the show and seeing what all the girls thought of him…She is sitting there like “oh shit, what have I gotten myself into”. Could they look anymore NOT in love. Fuck Juan Pablo. This guys is the biggest jerk to ever be on this show. Ugggh. I’m stoked I only have to deal with him for another 20 minutes.
 
He reminds me of Zoolander when he says “People in the computer”. Retard. Nikki looks so uncomfortable with him on stage. She is embarrassed she even has to be on stage with him right now. 
 
Congratulations JP. You won a date at the end of all this. Loser. I’m pretty sure they are broken up already.
 
And the next Bachelorette is………………Andi! Do I get any money back for guessing right? Ok, Im in for next season now. Haha. But only because of her and not because I am obsessed with this show.
 
Well everyone. Its been an amazing season and I thank all of you for watching along with me. Who knows. Maybe even next season I might be able to meet one of you.
 
Until then. You know where to find me =)
 
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The Bachelor-The Women Tell All…………

Whats up everyone? I hope you all had an amazing week and are braving the weather wherever you are……Its sprinkling right now in my hometown. I better hunker down and stock up on water and canned goods. 

 
How sad. This is almost the last time I get to write this season and The Women Tell All is my least favorite episode. All they do is sit around and talk shit about each other still like it even matters. I hope they throw JP under the bus hard. He is such a creepy asshole.
 
I can never find anything to say about these shows since the shit talking is already being done for me…..BUT in the spirit of the Oscars last night maybe I should talk about how everyone looks and what they are wearing…..Oh Shit! If that wasn’t the gayest thing that I ever said than I don’t know what is…….#gayness
 
Ok, Right off the bat I am reminded that I never watched the Sean and Catherine wedding. I think I am ok with that(its still on my DVR though).
 
HAHAHAHA. Catherine said “Quick Fireworks” so awesome. What does she expect a super slow romantic sex sesh? If they never slept together before its gonna be quick. Trust me. He should have squeezed a quick one off before so he could last longer….Such a rookie move.
 
The fuck is this Muppets Bullshit all about.
 
Kelly-I’m glad this bitch brought her dog again. What a dumbass. her lazy eye still bothers me for the record and I am glad a friendly tribe of indians beaded her dress for her.
 
Andi looks amazing and I love her teal dress. Good color for her. She is very pretty.
 
They keep showing a chicks legs but I cant see who it is. She has cellulite…..Cellulite looks better tan 😉
 
My girl Kat is running the show so far. She is good looking to. I always liked her….Plus her boobs are extremely large. I like her hair off to one side. Thats a cute look.
 
Sharleen still looks like a raving bitch to me and I don’t like her still. She seems so uptight and I want to wrap her ear rings around her neck at this point. She is just awkward. 
 
I cant even comment on anyones dress because they only show the girls for like a second each. Renee’s dress is a little boring. That little slut! JK. She is already in a situation? Stoked for her because she deserves someone who is going to be good to her. Lucky guy.
 
Andi faked sleep? Thats not what I thought she was going to fake in the fantasy suite. I love andi. She is gorgeous. I know a lot of you dont care for her but I hope she is the next Bachelorette.
 
Ohhhhh. It was Lauren H’s leg. She looks like Mary Murphy from “so you think you can dance” but with a fatter leg. 
 
I really like how Andi got her points across. Such a lady about it all, but I really liked the points Sharleen made as well. 
 
I couldnt even comment on the dresses because all I saw was a bunch of knee caps. Couple of hot legs and a couple of bad ones. Well this episode was a dud but hopefully next weeks looks pretty crazy. I hope they both bail on his dumb ass.
 
Alright everyone I will talk to you soon.

The Bachelor-Week 8

Well now that the Olympics are officially over I can now focus back on this Venezuelan fuck! I have to say I am very proud of the United States Team and our country. They did really well and it was so exciting to watch. I hope you all took part in cheering on our athletes. Going to an Olympics is now on my bucket list…..Right under getting called “child” from an old southern black woman….Its a real list and that is really on there. I promise. 

 
Ok well lets see what kind of trouble we are in for this week. After watching 2 minute preview it looks like shit is going down! Finally. Something to talk about.
 
Nikki’s Hometown-
Can someone remind me again why Nikki is single? She is very attractive so to me that means something is automatically wrong with her. If I ran into Nikki at the mall or something this poor little thing wouldn’t know what hit her. Shes hot! I could fake an accent if thats what she is into. Its my Australian/Irish/British/Kentucky accent. They all sound the same for some reason. Go figure. 
 
Nikki just said “lets see how cowboy Juan Pablo really is”….Spoiler alert Nikki….He is a soccer player who lives in Me-yam-mee. He is zero cowboy and I don’t want to have to rewind this but did JP just say that he never had BBQ? Way to pick’ em ABC. BBQ and Beers? Her body says otherwise…..
 
I always think its the funniest thing ever when they finally get to go home and see their families they run in all hysterical and hug like its been 24 years since they have seen them. I would walk in all calm and be like “What up Ma? Then greet her with a fist pump n shit……JK. But I wouldn’t hug her like I didn’t just talk to her 2 days ago. Nikki and her mom hugged for like 2 minutes and why is everyone’s house so nice? Mine would be dogs running around barking and kids screaming. Oh so that’s cool. Nikki’s mom is like 41. She looks pretty young to me. Maybe because my mom is hella old. Love you Ma…..
 
Nikki’s dad looks like Ray Liotta from Goodfellas but like 40 pounds heavier. Damn, This guy seems like to perfect dad. Did I mention I have dad issues. Fuck dads.
 
This bitch chickened out on saying I love you to JP…..Real quick, I one time told a girl “I love you” for the first time and she didn’t say anything back….And I had to drive home 3.5 hours……..Can you imagine what my drive home was like? Ya, it sucked a fat one. Anyway she said it didn’t seem right so props to her for waiting plus he is probably going to dump her ass any day now.
 
Andi’s Hometown-
Andi is very pretty but I think she lacks confidence or something. I would think the opposite with her being a lawyer.
 
“You made me doing crazy things like soccer”……….Ummm what? since when is soccer crazy? My niece is 5 and plays soccer but I’m not about to check her mental stability just yet.
 
This bitch calling out JP’s misses at the gun range. hahahaha. What a hoe. “Welcome home Pookie” hahaha. Pookie sounds like a drug dealers name. Her dad is going to eat him alive. He is NOT stoked about Juan Pablo. If we learned anything this season its that Andi still can’t dance to save her life. Im not getting a good vibe from her family and nothing is really worth talking about….
 
Renee’s Hometown-
“I’m going to literally eat my son when I see him”….Well that’s gross. She hasn’t seen her boy for 2 months? How sad. I’m not a parent but I couldn’t imagine. Kinda teared up for a sec when she was holding him. Sweet moment….HOLD UP. I just thought of something. There must be plenty of single dads at the ball park and how is Renee single? She is a nice, pretty girl. I don’t like how she does her mascara though. yuck. Her family seems really sweet though and down to earth.
 
So no one is wanting to say I love you so far. Are all of these relationships garbage?
 
Clare’s Hometown-
WESSSSTTTT SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEE(Ice cube yelling). Sacramento, my states capital and my 2nd home. My sister lives there and I am there a lot. Im pretty sure I am going to stalk Clare’s hair salon and try to get a trim and a BJ. She looks amazing! I love her even if JP doesn’t. Where is that park? I must find it. 
 
OMG. I’m about to cry with her talking about her dad. How sad is that? Wait…..Hold up….(rewind)….Phew…I thought this clown was wearing Croc’s. I was ready to lose my shit people. Does Clare and her sisters have the same mom and dad? There is one sister that looks a little similar but other than that, I don’t see it. They talk the same though. Speaking of does Clare’s mom speak? Is she a mute? Her mom is getting Punked by the one daughter. She is a straight up Bitch. But hey, someones gotta speak for that little old lady because she ain’t said shit since she’s been there…..Oh so she does talk but its in spanish. Hahahah. This is hilarious to me. Well fuck. Now she is speaking English and I don’t understand it either. Hearing Clare’s mom and JP speak together I would “es’pect” more sub titles because I don’t have a clue what they are saying.
 
I’m in love with Clare. She is amazing and I want babies with her.
 
Rose Ceremony-
Clare, Once again comes flying out of the hotel is a super hot pink dress looking fab. Still love her. Nikki looks good too. I love black and white. I love stripes too in case you are taking notes.
 
Awwww poor Renee. She really liked him. 
 
So this night I thought was going to be super dramatic but it wasn’t. Tomorrows  looks crazy. I swear in the preview he says “you barely made it here”…Now this fools is talking shit to the girls???
 
LMAO…hahahah. The bird just dropped a sandwich on Renee’s head. (rewind). Yep, it was a sandwich. Hilarious.
 
Your moms.

The Bachelor-Week 6 buzzed recap

Who is ready to hate on a bunch of spoiled bitches who are fighting over a stupid loser? I sure am.

Happy Monday everyone. Did anyone elses day suck ball sacks or just mine? I cannot catch a break these days. I need a vacation.
Anyways, Lets get to the episode….
New Zealand
Juan Pablo just said when he was sitting in the sea plane like a loner that he is ready to take it to the next level….What next level? Hey JP….Remember when you took it to the next level last week in the ocean and then made Clare cry about it? Smooth move “playa”.
The girls walking into a new suite every week-“OH my goooood its so pretty. Look they have curtains….Look at this bed..OMG a fireplace.”
 Im not sure where most of you live out there but I fukin have curtains and a bed…..and I’m a guy. Big whoop right? I bet all those places they go look like your houses. Im doing my Mckala Maroney Not Impressed Look In the spirit of the Olympics of course.
Clare is just dying to get boned. There is mad sexual tension between us right now. I am sure her little gold brick necklace is something nice and fancy but It always reminds me something a rapper would wear. 2 chainz?
“Hey do you want to go on the bachelor and sit around a fire and cry about our kids together?” “lets do it girl”……Get in a bikini and shut up already.
Andi’s Juan on Juan date-
Her insecurities are so attractive…….Guys hella like that for the record.
Oh look, Andi’s mom showed up to the date….Wait. This just in. Andi is wearing a one piece. She has a killer bod though doesn’t she?….How am I supposed to talk shit about her boring personality and her sense of style at the same time? Watch me. I bet that geyser they are having dinner next to probably stinks. I dont know why I think that.
Andi-“The geyser goes off and we were soaking wet and so unexpected”………Unexpected? Am I the only one who knew it was going to go off? Its a geyser dummies. That’s what it does. Hey next time let have dinner next to a hungry pack of lions. I hope they don’t take our food and kill us. It would be so unexpected.
Andi-“The geyser completely ruined our dinner”…..Ya that’s why we don’t eat by geysers idiots.
Clare Bear. She likes when I call her that actually. Why is she surprised she got the next Juan on Juan? He fucked once why wouldn’t he go in for 2nd’s? I sure would.
I wish he would learn to say the word accept. I thought this was an American show? If they replace Chris Harrison with a British host I’m outta here for good. I dont even know if he said his group date was in for “prizes” or “surprises”
Bikinis in the clear ball thing….Wait. I’ve had this dream before. Or maybe it was clear bikinis and something that had to do with balls……I forget. Sharleens Bikini is hideous.
Ok so the dates being in the hobbit house from The Lord of The Rings…..That’s pretty rad. Does Harry Potter really live there?
JP was totally making out with Sharleen and tickeled her jawbone…I haven’t seen that movie since the summer of 87. Pretty cool how she asks right after “what do you think Im thinking?”…….Ladies. Don’t do that shit. We never fuckin know and 47% of the time we don’t care as long as you leave us alone.
Cassandra is pretty hot. I like her. OHHHH NOOOO. This fool is letting her go? I feel so bad for her actually but on the other hand she has the sickest story ever to tell.
“so what did you do on your 22nd birthday?”….Oh well I got dumped on the TV show The Bachelor at the mutha fucking Hobbit house. Top that bitches!
Juan Pablo just walked in the hobbit house and didn’t even wipe his feet. That’s disrespectful to the shire. Watch yourself JP that’s all I gotta say.
Clares Juan on Juan date- I love her. She is so pretty. I hope he dumps her so I can go to Sacramento to stalk her full time. Maybe JP should take her on a date to a nice spot on a pile of rocks that’s really uncomfortable. That would make up for it. Clare wants to get Fucked so bad. I would totally watch. Not like watch watch but like I would hold the camera. Sweats? what the shit is that move? Dude couldnt find a spare pair of yoga pants up in this bitch? Or maybe its easier for his to get an over the pants handy in sweats…..then actually it was a great move my friend.
Cocktail/Rose Ceremony-
Everyone get their last minute insecurities in so we can all judge before we talk shit about your Rose Ceremony Dresses.
Oh hey Kat. Forgot you were here. Where has she been hiding? Well since you are limited time with JP lets talk about your daddy issues.
Kat you dumb bitch. The kiss of death. You sat and said I think Chelsea is going home…I knew the second you said that it was you….FUCK. She was my girl in the pool #michellespoolparty She is still hot anyways…..I didnt even need that $10 anyways so whatever……FUCK! Well keep your head up Kat. At least you have huge boobs whatever thats worth.
Why is he throwing sheep shit at the ladies? Does that actually work?
Alright kiddos I have to get ready for bed. Another shitty day ahead of me. I hope everyone has an amazing week.
Go USA