The Bachelor-Week 8, Part 2

Two nights in a row this week. First of all you’re welcome. Secondly I feel so mysterious. Kinda like when Dorthy and the rest of those weirdos went to Oz and found the wizard was just some regular dude talking shit behind a curtain. You’re telling me he couldnt have gotten an office down the hall? The best place for him to hide was right behind a curtain in the same room as them? Everything else in that movie made sense but that part, they totally lost me….Anyways I feel like a wizard.

With the season winding down the mystery of Clare’s Necklace is finally solved……You know how its been driving me crazy all season? Well I found out
Well I cant wait to see another failed relationship end in Beautiful St. Lucia. Lets start this shit show.
Clare’s Date-
Well I have to start by saying she is gorgeous as ever. I love how Clare Said “If Juan Pablo asks me to stay in the fantasy suite”….Ummmm Its coming dummy so get ready. And very graceful of her to pretend she is a good girl and debating weather or not to go. We all know she is probably setting up the sex swing as we speak.
Another date on a yaught (yaaaaaawn). I have seen way too many rap videos to be impressed by this.
Beeeee Yoooouu Beeeeee Yooooouu. Boner alert! This flirty little vixen with that white dress. Oh my. She is killing that dress.
Date card- Oh my gosh. I wonder what it could be. This isnt the grammys. Open it open it open it. Stoked that Juan Pablo is ok with staying the night with 3 women on tv but swimming with 1 in the ocean is a big No No for Camilla to see. Maybe he just ate and he didnt wait to proper amount of time. I guess that would be a bad thing to teach your daughter.
Why am I jealous right now? Fuck that guy…..(rolling my eyes hella hard). Annnnnnnnnd she just said she is falling in love with him. Fuggin Bitch. I hope they get naked and she sees he has a little weiner and fly’s back to Sacramento.
Andi’s Date-

Andi looks amazing too. I think she is still pretty but I don’t see them together. Rule #1, Never high five a woman.
LMAO. Andi just asked the little kid whats your favorite drink in the whole world….hahahaha. I cant imagine this 4 year old is a world traveler at this point not to mention he lives on a small island and most likely will never leave….So coconut water is his answer Andi. The same shit he has been drinking everyday of his short life.
Andi is ridiculously gorgeous but such a dud. At least she said yes to the fantasy suite. I would hate for Juan Pablo to not have sex 3 nights in a row. Such a nice room. I wonder if it still smells like Clare’s sweaty bunn’s. Its cool how he is wearing the same thing in the morning. Walking around with the Dirty D. Hope he showered before he bones Nikki.
Wait….turn of events. Stand by………………….OH NOOOOOO. She couldn’t wait to get out of the suite? And she said he didn’t care about her past or her feelings and always turned it into him and his story. Was the last girl I dated in that fantasy suite too? Damn, everything Andi is saying makes complete sense. NOW I finally like her. Well way to go Juan stupid Pablo. Way to blow it. She called it perfectly I think.
The shots of her standing there looking upset are ultra dramatic. Good work ABC.
Nikki’s Date-
Damn Nikki. Thanks for pulling your boobs out so soon. She is not fukin around tonight. I’m torn now because I don’t want Nikki or Clare to be with him now after hearing Andi. I hate him more now. I am so glad she finally took those hideous pants off. What the shit were those all about? If you own those throw them out now.
Does a woman want to be told she is cute? I wouldn’t think so but that’s just me. Shit. Maybe that’s why I am single. I throw words around like Pretty, Beautiful, gorgeous etc.
Video message. Its about to go down…..Andi is pissed. Probably because she just had to walk a mile to get to him. She couldnt get a ride? Rude.
It’s ok…..It’s ok.
OMG I hate this guy so much right now. Why do we out source our talent these days? He is clueless. Absolutely clueless. Either he doesn’t understand the english language or is just an asshole.
“What my religion?”…..Catholic……(silence) What an idiot. That poor poor guy. He doesnt even get it. Andi is right.
Ladies and gentlemen our newest Bachelorette, Andi.
Clare looks amazing once again in the pink and black dress. Super hot. And did I mention I love stripes? haha. Nikki looks gorgeous too. I want to lick Clare’s boob glisten.
So here’s the thing. If you put 1 guy in a room with 20 women, they are all going to fight for his attention. He might not even be that good looking but its a natural thing to compete and they start to make it a competition and not about finding love. It wasnt as dramatic as I expected but I am glad Andi left. I think she called it right.

The Bachelor-Week 8

Well now that the Olympics are officially over I can now focus back on this Venezuelan fuck! I have to say I am very proud of the United States Team and our country. They did really well and it was so exciting to watch. I hope you all took part in cheering on our athletes. Going to an Olympics is now on my bucket list…..Right under getting called “child” from an old southern black woman….Its a real list and that is really on there. I promise. 

Ok well lets see what kind of trouble we are in for this week. After watching 2 minute preview it looks like shit is going down! Finally. Something to talk about.
Nikki’s Hometown-
Can someone remind me again why Nikki is single? She is very attractive so to me that means something is automatically wrong with her. If I ran into Nikki at the mall or something this poor little thing wouldn’t know what hit her. Shes hot! I could fake an accent if thats what she is into. Its my Australian/Irish/British/Kentucky accent. They all sound the same for some reason. Go figure. 
Nikki just said “lets see how cowboy Juan Pablo really is”….Spoiler alert Nikki….He is a soccer player who lives in Me-yam-mee. He is zero cowboy and I don’t want to have to rewind this but did JP just say that he never had BBQ? Way to pick’ em ABC. BBQ and Beers? Her body says otherwise…..
I always think its the funniest thing ever when they finally get to go home and see their families they run in all hysterical and hug like its been 24 years since they have seen them. I would walk in all calm and be like “What up Ma? Then greet her with a fist pump n shit……JK. But I wouldn’t hug her like I didn’t just talk to her 2 days ago. Nikki and her mom hugged for like 2 minutes and why is everyone’s house so nice? Mine would be dogs running around barking and kids screaming. Oh so that’s cool. Nikki’s mom is like 41. She looks pretty young to me. Maybe because my mom is hella old. Love you Ma…..
Nikki’s dad looks like Ray Liotta from Goodfellas but like 40 pounds heavier. Damn, This guy seems like to perfect dad. Did I mention I have dad issues. Fuck dads.
This bitch chickened out on saying I love you to JP…..Real quick, I one time told a girl “I love you” for the first time and she didn’t say anything back….And I had to drive home 3.5 hours……..Can you imagine what my drive home was like? Ya, it sucked a fat one. Anyway she said it didn’t seem right so props to her for waiting plus he is probably going to dump her ass any day now.
Andi’s Hometown-
Andi is very pretty but I think she lacks confidence or something. I would think the opposite with her being a lawyer.
“You made me doing crazy things like soccer”……….Ummm what? since when is soccer crazy? My niece is 5 and plays soccer but I’m not about to check her mental stability just yet.
This bitch calling out JP’s misses at the gun range. hahahaha. What a hoe. “Welcome home Pookie” hahaha. Pookie sounds like a drug dealers name. Her dad is going to eat him alive. He is NOT stoked about Juan Pablo. If we learned anything this season its that Andi still can’t dance to save her life. Im not getting a good vibe from her family and nothing is really worth talking about….
Renee’s Hometown-
“I’m going to literally eat my son when I see him”….Well that’s gross. She hasn’t seen her boy for 2 months? How sad. I’m not a parent but I couldn’t imagine. Kinda teared up for a sec when she was holding him. Sweet moment….HOLD UP. I just thought of something. There must be plenty of single dads at the ball park and how is Renee single? She is a nice, pretty girl. I don’t like how she does her mascara though. yuck. Her family seems really sweet though and down to earth.
So no one is wanting to say I love you so far. Are all of these relationships garbage?
Clare’s Hometown-
WESSSSTTTT SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEE(Ice cube yelling). Sacramento, my states capital and my 2nd home. My sister lives there and I am there a lot. Im pretty sure I am going to stalk Clare’s hair salon and try to get a trim and a BJ. She looks amazing! I love her even if JP doesn’t. Where is that park? I must find it. 
OMG. I’m about to cry with her talking about her dad. How sad is that? Wait…..Hold up….(rewind)….Phew…I thought this clown was wearing Croc’s. I was ready to lose my shit people. Does Clare and her sisters have the same mom and dad? There is one sister that looks a little similar but other than that, I don’t see it. They talk the same though. Speaking of does Clare’s mom speak? Is she a mute? Her mom is getting Punked by the one daughter. She is a straight up Bitch. But hey, someones gotta speak for that little old lady because she ain’t said shit since she’s been there…..Oh so she does talk but its in spanish. Hahahah. This is hilarious to me. Well fuck. Now she is speaking English and I don’t understand it either. Hearing Clare’s mom and JP speak together I would “es’pect” more sub titles because I don’t have a clue what they are saying.
I’m in love with Clare. She is amazing and I want babies with her.
Rose Ceremony-
Clare, Once again comes flying out of the hotel is a super hot pink dress looking fab. Still love her. Nikki looks good too. I love black and white. I love stripes too in case you are taking notes.
Awwww poor Renee. She really liked him. 
So this night I thought was going to be super dramatic but it wasn’t. Tomorrows  looks crazy. I swear in the preview he says “you barely made it here”…Now this fools is talking shit to the girls???
LMAO…hahahah. The bird just dropped a sandwich on Renee’s head. (rewind). Yep, it was a sandwich. Hilarious.
Your moms.

Olympic Hangover

Sorry to the 3 people following me for not keeping my page updated during this past week. I have been so preoccupied with the Olympics its not even funny. I am pretty bummed they are officially over. Now what am I going to do with my time? I guess I will just have to keep watching American Idol, Amazing race, workaholics, Nashville, Vanderpump Rules, Brooklyn Nine Nine, The Bachelor, The Voice, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, Survivor, Toned up, Gold Rush, Shark Tank, The Walking Dead, Golf, Hockey(Sharks), Baseball(Giants), The Real Housewives, KUWTK, Shahs of Sunset, Well pretty much anything on Bravo and Pawn Stars. I’m going to be so bored. Fuck, I watch way too much tv. Anyways congratulation to the USA team and the rest of the world. Thank you for an exciting two weeks. If anyone out there knows where I can get a Gracie Gold Magnet for my fridge or maybe a Gracie Gold key chain I would love to know. She is adorbs.

Ok so starting tomorrow I can getting my lazy ass back to the gym. I have a very obsessive personality so once I commit to something I go 110%. I need to get this body pool party ready Summer is just around the corner my friends. I will have to go a minimum 5 times a week and I think I will try to jog every other day as well. Im getting fat and no one is trying to hook up with a fat guy….Unless your a fat girl and if thats the case I dont hook up with fat girls so dont even bother.

ok quick recap of my week…. Lets see here…..hmmm

Last Sunday a local brewery, Russian River releases this beer that only out twice a year. Pliny the Younger. Its amazing and people wait in line for up to 8-10 hours just to get in the door. Would I do that? Hell no! I know of a handful of places in the bay area that have a keg so I decided to try my luck and get some. I had it last year and by far it was the best beer I have tasted. So sunday morning comes around and I call my friends to see who wants to try and grab a glass with me…No one is available so I say Fuck it…I actually said that out loud which was weird because I was home alone. So I decided to drive by this place solo and saw only about 15 people in line which was amazing. I knew I wanted to try it so I waited for 2 hours. they only gave out about 65 glasses or so…I was number 32 in line. Threw my Beats Studios on and sat like a hipster waiting in line for beer….My mom would be so proud. Finally they opened and I got in a got a beer. It was $10 for a 9 ounce pour. Not bad considering. I got my beer( and another full pint of another). Dont judge me. daddy likes his alcohol. Anyways I sat at the one seat open at the bar, yes alone and sat and stared at the beer. Smelled it, looked at it and finally tasted it after waiting 1 full year…..Holy fuck it was strong. I dont know if it was because I had nothing in my stomach and it was 1pm or I was just being a bitch. But it was hella alcoholy. Thats a word I think. I didnt really enjoy it that much and realized I was just a part of the hype that makes it popular. What a disappointment but either way I was drinking at 1 so it wasnt too bad. I chatted with the people around me for a bit and enjoyed my drinks the best that I could. I finally had a solid buzz going on so I decided to go to this other bar where my friends were to have another drink. Drank a beer then went to lunch and had another beer there. My other friend, I have a lot of friends, was down the street at another bar. We have a lot of bars too. I met them and from there it was all down hill. Pretty much was a shit show from that point on. I think I am going to quit drinking for a while especially since I get the worst hangovers of anyone on this planet. Im too old for this shit. I dont know moderations. Once I have a drink everything is a good idea. So once I start the gym tomorrow I am quiting drinking….Well not fully but no more craft beers or hard shit. It kills me. Its got to be a big occasion for me to booze from now on(FYI I say this about twice a week). I think I will only drink light beers or something chill. Sorry, this is just me trying to prove to myself I dont need booze to have a good time. But I am fun when I drink and everyone likes me….

The next night, Monday it was poker night with the guys. I am in a league where we play monthly for 6 months for points. I won last season and won $600 for the season. There is a nightly pot too. Anyways of course I am with the fellas so I have a few drinks even though I didnt want to. I hate myself at this point. Oh and I lost and still had to go home and watch the Bachelor so I could post my weekly recap.

Tuesday I dont think I did shit. Sat on my ass and didnt drink.

Wednesday I went to dinner with a friend and wouldnt you know it!!!! drink! 

Thursday and Friday I was too tired from work so I just watched more Olympics.

Saturday I had errands to run and my friend from work text me to meet at a local restaurant where they are known for having drinks that put you on your ass. I said I will come meet for 1 beer……Well 4 beers later I decided to go home since I was golfing in the morning. I got home and went to dinner with my roommate and his kids to a brewery down the street. I didnt drink. did you hear me? I DIDNT DRINK. Proud moment but I did eat like a fat ass pig.

So this morning I woke up feeling good and got ready to golf. Drove me and my friend to Oakland to some golf course I had never been to. We were supposed to meet another buddy and his uncle. Both Canadians. So We walk into the clubhouse, First time I have ever seen a couple of ‘brothas’ working the front desk. I tell him that I had a tee time at 10:18 and he cant find our name….He says ” are you sure you are at the right place?”….1-Im not not fukin stupid and 2-read number 1 again. I look at my buddy real quick like ” is this guy kidding me?”…And I say this is a bowling alley right?…..He says ” I dont get it”….I say nevermind and walk out to call my other friend who I was meeting. Long story short we were at the wrong course. Great. So we drive about 5 minutes and find the course. Shittiest course i have ever seen. Like zero grass and it was like playing in Kuwait or something dirty as fuk. I started off horrible and ended up playing the best I have ever played. Shot an 85 which is amazing to me. No other exciting news to report.

So with the closing of the Olympics its bitter sweet. Its the end of another major sporting event but reality is setting in that I now have to commit to the gym and stop drinking. I am looking forward to getting into my gym routine and getting fit. I just need some motivation. Usually buying shoes, or gym clothes helps. 

So thats how my week went down….OHHHH and to top it all off I drove to like 8 places on Saturday to try and find this wax I use for my legs. Haha. I dont mind saying that because no one reads this. Yes, I wax my legs. I always have and I like it so kiss my gritz. So until I find it I am going to have to wear pants to the gym…FUK. If you read this far then you deserve to hear my secret.

Everyone enjoy their week and look forward to my 2 night recap of the Bachelor. Its going to be a good one

eat my shortsImage

The Bachelor-Week 6 buzzed recap

Who is ready to hate on a bunch of spoiled bitches who are fighting over a stupid loser? I sure am.

Happy Monday everyone. Did anyone elses day suck ball sacks or just mine? I cannot catch a break these days. I need a vacation.
Anyways, Lets get to the episode….
New Zealand
Juan Pablo just said when he was sitting in the sea plane like a loner that he is ready to take it to the next level….What next level? Hey JP….Remember when you took it to the next level last week in the ocean and then made Clare cry about it? Smooth move “playa”.
The girls walking into a new suite every week-“OH my goooood its so pretty. Look they have curtains….Look at this bed..OMG a fireplace.”
 Im not sure where most of you live out there but I fukin have curtains and a bed…..and I’m a guy. Big whoop right? I bet all those places they go look like your houses. Im doing my Mckala Maroney Not Impressed Look In the spirit of the Olympics of course.
Clare is just dying to get boned. There is mad sexual tension between us right now. I am sure her little gold brick necklace is something nice and fancy but It always reminds me something a rapper would wear. 2 chainz?
“Hey do you want to go on the bachelor and sit around a fire and cry about our kids together?” “lets do it girl”……Get in a bikini and shut up already.
Andi’s Juan on Juan date-
Her insecurities are so attractive…….Guys hella like that for the record.
Oh look, Andi’s mom showed up to the date….Wait. This just in. Andi is wearing a one piece. She has a killer bod though doesn’t she?….How am I supposed to talk shit about her boring personality and her sense of style at the same time? Watch me. I bet that geyser they are having dinner next to probably stinks. I dont know why I think that.
Andi-“The geyser goes off and we were soaking wet and so unexpected”………Unexpected? Am I the only one who knew it was going to go off? Its a geyser dummies. That’s what it does. Hey next time let have dinner next to a hungry pack of lions. I hope they don’t take our food and kill us. It would be so unexpected.
Andi-“The geyser completely ruined our dinner”…..Ya that’s why we don’t eat by geysers idiots.
Clare Bear. She likes when I call her that actually. Why is she surprised she got the next Juan on Juan? He fucked once why wouldn’t he go in for 2nd’s? I sure would.
I wish he would learn to say the word accept. I thought this was an American show? If they replace Chris Harrison with a British host I’m outta here for good. I dont even know if he said his group date was in for “prizes” or “surprises”
Bikinis in the clear ball thing….Wait. I’ve had this dream before. Or maybe it was clear bikinis and something that had to do with balls……I forget. Sharleens Bikini is hideous.
Ok so the dates being in the hobbit house from The Lord of The Rings…..That’s pretty rad. Does Harry Potter really live there?
JP was totally making out with Sharleen and tickeled her jawbone…I haven’t seen that movie since the summer of 87. Pretty cool how she asks right after “what do you think Im thinking?”…….Ladies. Don’t do that shit. We never fuckin know and 47% of the time we don’t care as long as you leave us alone.
Cassandra is pretty hot. I like her. OHHHH NOOOO. This fool is letting her go? I feel so bad for her actually but on the other hand she has the sickest story ever to tell.
“so what did you do on your 22nd birthday?”….Oh well I got dumped on the TV show The Bachelor at the mutha fucking Hobbit house. Top that bitches!
Juan Pablo just walked in the hobbit house and didn’t even wipe his feet. That’s disrespectful to the shire. Watch yourself JP that’s all I gotta say.
Clares Juan on Juan date- I love her. She is so pretty. I hope he dumps her so I can go to Sacramento to stalk her full time. Maybe JP should take her on a date to a nice spot on a pile of rocks that’s really uncomfortable. That would make up for it. Clare wants to get Fucked so bad. I would totally watch. Not like watch watch but like I would hold the camera. Sweats? what the shit is that move? Dude couldnt find a spare pair of yoga pants up in this bitch? Or maybe its easier for his to get an over the pants handy in sweats…..then actually it was a great move my friend.
Cocktail/Rose Ceremony-
Everyone get their last minute insecurities in so we can all judge before we talk shit about your Rose Ceremony Dresses.
Oh hey Kat. Forgot you were here. Where has she been hiding? Well since you are limited time with JP lets talk about your daddy issues.
Kat you dumb bitch. The kiss of death. You sat and said I think Chelsea is going home…I knew the second you said that it was you….FUCK. She was my girl in the pool #michellespoolparty She is still hot anyways…..I didnt even need that $10 anyways so whatever……FUCK! Well keep your head up Kat. At least you have huge boobs whatever thats worth.
Why is he throwing sheep shit at the ladies? Does that actually work?
Alright kiddos I have to get ready for bed. Another shitty day ahead of me. I hope everyone has an amazing week.

Slumdog Buddy

So as I am driving home from gay as work I decide to myself ” you know what? You deserve a beer”….”You are right me, I do” so I stopped by my favorite liquor store. Yes, I have a favorite liquor store. Why you ask. Well let me tell you why. This Indian guy who works there I pray every time I walk in that he is there. Indian from India, not Indian from our history books. Anyways this guy is so fuckin awesome I want to sit and chat with him for hours but lets face it….I want to get home and have a drink. Mutha fukin thirsty son! What is so awesome about him is 1-he knows me. 2-He twitters me when my favorite beers arrive. 3-he calls me “buddy” a minimum of 15 to 87 times per visit. #3 is the the real reason. I actually cant even look him in the eye when I am there because I am thinking about it so much that I cant stop grinning. Here is how tonight went down.

Me walking in:

“Hey buddy. Where have you been buddy?”

Oh just working

“Buddy we got that beer that you like buddy. I saved you some. Let me grab them buddy”

Thanks bud

“Here you go buddy. Geeez buddy you look different in that shirt buddy. usually you come in wearing jeans and a T-shirt Buddy”

Ya I dont usually come during the week unless I had a rough day.

“Everybody has the rough day buddy. Everybody” (even when he is not saying buddy he is saying body which sounds the same)

At this point I cant stop giggling and then I start in with the buddies.

Thanks Buddy. I really appreciate you holding the beers for me buddy….And then he switches it up on me.

“sure, what are bros for”…..He called me Bro. What the shit? 

Now Im standing there like a tard because he threw me off.

Anyways you get the idea and this carried on for about another minute. We talked about beer week and some other hippy shit for a sec and then I was on my way. Imagine the Kwik-e-Mart dude from the SImpsons but like with a blue tooth. I have told so many friends about this guy that they only go there to buy beers because we all think its funny to hear him say buddy a shit ton.

I dont have the heart to tell he we arent buddies. Lower your prices dick.

Just say no to Crocs

Wearing crocs is like being blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize that you’re gay
-Frank Sinatra

Don’t wear them if you’re an adult and don’t make your kids wear them either. Let them grow up and make their own mistakes. Don’t force it. And don’t say they are convenient and comfortable because guess what? So are shoes….

I hate Crocs

Buzzed Olympics

Ya right! Like I was the only one last night watching men’s figure skating. I am a huge fan of the Olympics and I will watch everything  for the next two weeks. I wish the best for USA…….Well except maybe the curling team. What the hell is curling and who else besides the Olympians have ever played that? I played shuffle board on a cruise once but that’s pretty much a fancy way of playing beer pong in public. Curling looks lame. Ya, I SAID IT!

“Oh Hello there. That is a sweet medal you have around your neck. You must have worked your whole entire life to get to the Olympics. What sport did you get that in?”


(awkward Pause) Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket

My mom used to sweep the floor but I didn’t think she deserved a medal or anything.

I am super excited for the opening ceremonies tonight and that’s all I am doing on my Friday night. I’m sure I will have a beer or 7 but just to take the edge off.

Why did the world agree to have the Olympics in Sochi Russia? Putin is such a dick and the rest of the world hates him…..Or is that just me?

I hope your moms get to watch the Olympics too.